Monday, February 22, 2010

Torn

I havent been writing lately. Reason #1 Laptop is dead. Long story short, HP made a faulty product and failed to inform their customers, and created an unfair extended warrantee, which mine falls two months shy of 'qualifying' EVEN though the executive case manager confirmed the computers, like mine, were being made and shipped months before, that to date don't fit in their 'warrantee span.' Two days of calling this man, argueing, and talking to others I will be calling the Maine Attorney General, specifically to the Consumer Protection department to get this remedied. I did not spend $900 to have the motherboard DIE because they fucked up, 2 years and 2 months later...yes for real this is the 'short story.'

Reason #2 I've been not in a good space. Mentally and physically. Why is it that I feel I should sit in this misery? I really don't want this kind of life, the loathing of my body and wanting to scream. I've been in an extremely aggitated mood and feel everyone is against me. I want my eating disorder back, but only parts of it. I'm reading Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, which is a must read, and I feel torn about who I am. I know what I feel in my heart, what kind of life I wanna live, but all around me others contradict the authentic kind of life. Its about looks, being perfect and making it appear effortless. Its hard not to believe this because its so embedded in everyones head including mine.

I feel Im always against myself in order to get control of myself. Sigh....