Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Recovery Reflections

Recovering to live my life fully, without self judgement. To be able to accept my feelings, not always analyzing why or why not I should feel a certain way. This eating disorder will not substitute my feelings.

I've come back to my Blog now, after almost a year since my last entry, to find that my profile introduction is exactly as I need it to be for me in my life today, just as it was 2 years ago when I started writing.

My Hiatus in writing was nothing short of me living my life. Adding to that my laptop broke due to HP's faulty model laptops (bad motherboard) and then finally finding a 'loophole' through the state that covered my PC for 4 years (mine was just over 2 years old), and here I am, a fixed laptop for free. 

I've been back in therapy for the last couple of months, with my same T, due to anxiety and stress since I've moved into Management position at my job. Eating wise things are well, again, its more of the self judgement (hating myself/feeling bad/internally bashing myself) when I don't see myself as doing 'good enough'. Since I'm not using food (starving/binging/purging) to deal, its harder to face the feelings, and Ive become very good at just burying them and being silent. These negative feelings are of course in their own way eating at me, and I do burst out and take it out on Matt at times, which I'm working on. (Bad day at work, I come home, Matt does something by accident, I overreact to that situation to let underlying feelings out) But this is wrong, as it doesn't help me feel any better about work, and it hurts Matt.

I so shall start checking in to see who's still writing, and see if this writing thing might do me some good with this stress stuff!