Monday, April 18, 2011

Internal Struggles

Its been just about a month since I've been laid off, and I have been unable to find a job as of yet. This panics me, and puts a thousand (mostly negative) thoughts racing about my mind. Until yesterday, I've also been sick with the flu for 2 weeks. That did not help how I felt. I have never in my life been that sick for that amount of time.

For the past few days I've been crying daily, for reasons I don't quite understand. My self esteem is at its lowest, which makes it that much harder to be motivated about a job, even though I want one so much. I have all this doubt in myself, my abilities and sadly the way I look and feel within my body matters so much to me and if I'm not feeling thin I feel worthless. My ED thoughts are back and very strong. I broke down crying to Matt and all I could say is "I just want my job back."

I also know how much of a comfort zone I got into at my job, how I was becoming more unsatisfied within my work, how I felt I wasn't making a difference (among others and myself). I want to make a difference in my life, be a positive influence to others, have a voice about something. I barely watch the news, but know our government wastes too much money with the budget, gas is getting high again and society is struggling with paying bills, living and providing for their families, and more than likely are depressed.

I definitely notice how I became so enmeshed in my job that I was drained all the time, had no hobbies, just no energy to think about anything but my job. I had no balance. Now that my job is over, I've been thrown for a loop and need to find my footing again, but it feels like I have no idea where I belong.