ED Deception

Hello Again

2012-01-02T10:46:00.001-05:00

Wowsers, practically a year has gone by since I've posted last. With that time a lot has changed and based on my last post it's all good! I've been at my job since July, and January 6th will mark Matt and I's 3rd anniversary. We had an amazing Christmas and New Years and Im grateful for all our blessings. I've teetered with the thought of starting a new blog a handful of times, but it never felt right. It feels like I'd be denying everything I went through that lead me to where I am now.

I'm not making an commitments to writing x, y or z on days a,b, and c but I will drop in once and a while as I do follow a couple blogs (and I really need to clean out who I follow as many are not blogging any more and the ones I read I haven't made links to)

Until next time :)

Internal Struggles

2011-04-18T13:46:00.000-04:00

Its been just about a month since I've been laid off, and I have been unable to find a job as of yet. This panics me, and puts a thousand (mostly negative) thoughts racing about my mind. Until yesterday, I've also been sick with the flu for 2 weeks. That did not help how I felt. I have never in my life been that sick for that amount of time.

For the past few days I've been crying daily, for reasons I don't quite understand. My self esteem is at its lowest, which makes it that much harder to be motivated about a job, even though I want one so much. I have all this doubt in myself, my abilities and sadly the way I look and feel within my body matters so much to me and if I'm not feeling thin I feel worthless. My ED thoughts are back and very strong. I broke down crying to Matt and all I could say is "I just want my job back."

I also know how much of a comfort zone I got into at my job, how I was becoming more unsatisfied within my work, how I felt I wasn't making a difference (among others and myself). I want to make a difference in my life, be a positive influence to others, have a voice about something. I barely watch the news, but know our government wastes too much money with the budget, gas is getting high again and society is struggling with paying bills, living and providing for their families, and more than likely are depressed.

I definitely notice how I became so enmeshed in my job that I was drained all the time, had no hobbies, just no energy to think about anything but my job. I had no balance. Now that my job is over, I've been thrown for a loop and need to find my footing again, but it feels like I have no idea where I belong.

Where I'm At

2011-03-22T19:55:00.000-04:00

Since my last post almost a month ago, this same story line has continued at work. Stressed, under appreciated but hanging in there. I think the only reason I 'hung in there.' was because 1) I didn't think I could find a better job at that pay 2) I thought it would get better. Well #1 is going to have to happen, because #2 did not happen.

They first changed our schedules, so the only associate thats in my store and myself began working reduced hours, and the store hours were dramatically changed. Being open 11am to 4pm for a Cellular Retailer is NOT normal. This put myself and the associate alone at busy times. The Friday that I worked 4pm to 7pm by myself after associate was scheduled to leave, left the store overfilled and me loosing 4 phone sales. I called one of the owners and asked if he realized this was going on. He did not (which through my higher powers knew he did. I asked just who made these schedules and found out it was the other owner and another associate who was promoted to replace our Operations Manager, as to train myself more with Managing (ordering phones/accessories). Shortly before this they closed one of our Store locations (we have three).

He told me he's sorry that happened, and informed me he will be in the location tomorrow to bring some stuff (supplies, etc) and I felt a little relieved I expressed my feelings, as I felt this topped it off. I expressed that if I'm the Manager, and all these changes are happening, and I hear them through the grapevine, follow suite, and that I'm not being initially addressed in person/meeting from them, it leaves me scratching my head in the corning wondering what I'm really doing and why.

So he shows the next day, at the end of our long work day Saturday ::cough:: and says there are some changes going on. He let us know he had to let go an associate in one location, and our Operations Manager. He then continued, I have to let go of both of you (associate and I) I almost let out a laugh, but he didn't say 'just kidding!' so I half coughed. I felt confused. I don't even think thats the appropriate word. I knew the company was struggling, but to lay off HALF the company, leaving the two owners and two associates that had been there the longest to run two locations, appeared like a suicide mission to me. It made and makes no sense. I felt hurt, betrayed and pissed right the fuck off. I worked my ass off, for more than 2 years to just have them say thanks, bye. Oh and its affective immediately. Saturday was my last day. Thisfuckingsucks.

I'm still not done grieving. I've already been struggling with my self esteem, eating disorder leftovers, and now its completely on the surface again. I realize over two years I've accomplished a lot, learned a ton, but it can't heal how horribly down I feel. This is a huge blow to how I view my career life and I'm struggling to get back up.

So Lost!

2011-02-07T21:44:00.000-05:00

I'm overly stressed right now (more than typically) in relation to my job. Ever since becoming Manager in July Ive been working my butt of to be the best at my job as possible. In short story I was given this position and since not been trained on the previous manager's duties. I handle everything he did from observation, except ordering of phones and accessories (not by choice), which impacts everything as I have come to learn (I manage a large retail wireless carrier store). I have to relate all phone/accessory needs to our 'Operations Manager' (I quote this because thats his so called title-when all he does is help with installs, as we also sell Satellite TV). I can honestly write a book of this whole shit fest, but it would be so complicated and hard to explain, but all in all they are not letting me grow as a Manager. I'M DRAINED. I feel overall worthless, dumb, and taken advantage of.

So here I am, sipping on margaritas and watching You're Cut Off.

Gonna watch Shameless next....

Ugh.

Recovery Reflections

2011-01-25T17:47:00.003-05:00

Recovering to live my life fully, without self judgement. To be able to accept my feelings, not always analyzing why or why not I should feel a certain way. This eating disorder will not substitute my feelings.

I've come back to my Blog now, after almost a year since my last entry, to find that my profile introduction is exactly as I need it to be for me in my life today, just as it was 2 years ago when I started writing.

My Hiatus in writing was nothing short of me living my life. Adding to that my laptop broke due to HP's faulty model laptops (bad motherboard) and then finally finding a 'loophole' through the state that covered my PC for 4 years (mine was just over 2 years old), and here I am, a fixed laptop for free.

I've been back in therapy for the last couple of months, with my same T, due to anxiety and stress since I've moved into Management position at my job. Eating wise things are well, again, its more of the self judgement (hating myself/feeling bad/internally bashing myself) when I don't see myself as doing 'good enough'. Since I'm not using food (starving/binging/purging) to deal, its harder to face the feelings, and Ive become very good at just burying them and being silent. These negative feelings are of course in their own way eating at me, and I do burst out and take it out on Matt at times, which I'm working on. (Bad day at work, I come home, Matt does something by accident, I overreact to that situation to let underlying feelings out) But this is wrong, as it doesn't help me feel any better about work, and it hurts Matt.

I so shall start checking in to see who's still writing, and see if this writing thing might do me some good with this stress stuff!

Torn

2010-02-22T11:11:00.000-05:00

I havent been writing lately. Reason #1 Laptop is dead. Long story short, HP made a faulty product and failed to inform their customers, and created an unfair extended warrantee, which mine falls two months shy of 'qualifying' EVEN though the executive case manager confirmed the computers, like mine, were being made and shipped months before, that to date don't fit in their 'warrantee span.' Two days of calling this man, argueing, and talking to others I will be calling the Maine Attorney General, specifically to the Consumer Protection department to get this remedied. I did not spend $900 to have the motherboard DIE because they fucked up, 2 years and 2 months later...yes for real this is the 'short story.'

Reason #2 I've been not in a good space. Mentally and physically. Why is it that I feel I should sit in this misery? I really don't want this kind of life, the loathing of my body and wanting to scream. I've been in an extremely aggitated mood and feel everyone is against me. I want my eating disorder back, but only parts of it. I'm reading Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, which is a must read, and I feel torn about who I am. I know what I feel in my heart, what kind of life I wanna live, but all around me others contradict the authentic kind of life. Its about looks, being perfect and making it appear effortless. Its hard not to believe this because its so embedded in everyones head including mine.

I feel Im always against myself in order to get control of myself. Sigh....

Kinda Excited! ;)

2010-01-18T14:53:00.000-05:00

I just finished my taxes via Tax Slayer. Matt has done it this way for years now, and instead of asking my friend Heather who works for a payroll company (she does it for free), and waiting weeks to get the money, Tax Slayer is super quick, and my money will be deposited within 15 days. Only drawback is there is a $14.90 charge for processing, etc no matter if you choose direct deposit or have a check mailed out. Nothing is ever free folks. I totally plugged Tax Slayer...whoops.

So, being employed part time, I will be receiving $654 back (federal & state), and in 5 minutes already planned what I'm doing with it. So I must share cause I'm like that, and I'm excited.

$200 will be going to my credit card. That's going to be nice.

$185(est) I will be buying an iPod Touch! Yessa. Did you know the iTouch and the iPhone are exactly the same and the only difference is you cannot make calls, and it does not have a camera. I work for US Cellular and could never switch to AT&T because A) they suck B) they suck C) bad customer service, NO cell service in most all of Maine, and overpriced plans. My master mind plan is to purchase the iTouch, that has wi-fi, so the net and facebook, etc is available to me plus my music, and apps galore. This means I will cancel my Blackberry Service, which runs me $24.95/month, and cancel the $5.95 insurance. I am going to save $31 a month on my cell bill! I'll be buying a Motorola VE20 (basic phone) and simply use it as a phone. (BTW, my plan's a National 1000, free incoming calls from anyone, nights and weekends @7pm, and free mobile to mobile (US Cellular customers--->US Cellular customers.), for $49.99/month!

The remaining $269, either I will need to put $100 or so down for my laptop to be repaired which I'm expecting. Anything left over from that is going to our (Matt and I) first kitchen table.

Finally no more sitting at our coffee table for dinner...

I Go Up, I Go Down

2010-01-16T17:16:00.000-05:00

Talk about a rollercoaster week. Yesterday was by far a frustrating, pull your hair out and stomp your feet on the ground day. It was in particular two events I let really get to me and put me in a damper.

My registration is past due, since November. My license is expired this past December 20th. So I'm officially a driving target for the po-po's. If I were pulled over I would certainly be arressted. One of those might fly by with a warning, but both would be a double wammy for me.

So since both have been in need of doing, I've been driving everyday, cautiously. Except as of a few days ago, I'm getting too paranoid, so I carpool with Matt to work as much as I can, and if I have to I'll drive his car. His car is legal, and driving mine around with an orange sticker would stick out compared to the new 2010 white stickers. It is just luck that I haven't been pulled over. But if I had, then have no license, I'd be in deep.

I was on my marrily way to withdrawl $ from the bank, and during my journey there and back, Gray to Windham, then back to Gray town office, I spotted 4 COPS. 2 of them were sitting waiting to prance on whatever car, and you never if it's gonna be you they pull out for. But alas, I made it to the Town Office. "Friday 8:30 to NOON." Goddammit. It's 2:30pm. So I go back to Windham, where I drive past 2 cops that total 6(!) seen, and take Matt's car, and leave mine there. I head to Portland to renew my license, and low and behold, CLOSED. Just for THAT day. For a MEETING. For real?

I ~~could~~ should have called/googled these places in advance, but being the stubborn person I am, was very expectant that my luck would not be like this. I got teary eyed, but realized, hey, I can go Tuesday when they are both open, and I haven't been arressted...But at the time it was just. not. fair.

Another thing that's just not fair is my laptop decided to shit the bed this morning. I don't know what's wrong with it yet, but there is a place in Portland that will tell you what's wrong with it for $20 and if you decide to fix it there that $20 will go towards the repairs. Sorry Geek Squad you are overpriced. I'm not like so sad about it only just the fact that anything I've added to my Docs, Pics, etc is not backed up on a CD. I did however do it about a month ago when I upgraded to Windows 7, so I'd only be missing a few things if all my files are gonna be toast. Also, I have Matt's comp to use, and at work I'm sitting at a desk with a computer in my face all day. Joy.

Sigh. Feels good to get these clustered thoughts out.

Better Day I'd Say

2010-01-14T20:33:00.000-05:00

MmmMmmm....That's a homemade mojito margarita right there! (Mom would be proud... no wait, she's a recovered alcoholic) . Today was a better day by far. I got my paycheck which included my commission so I was relieved I could calculate the list of my monthly bills, etc with it. I also very much need to and will register my car. It was due in November. If that's bad, also my license is expired as of 12/20/09. I can't change my birthday, but will plan in advance not to buy/register a car near the holidays.

If anyone has noticed, depending on how you read my entries (right on my blog, or through reader) my layout has been completely spastic. I wasn't feeling any of it. It's finally how I'd like it to be. Not too busy, or too plain in my eyes. Shitty thing is that when I changed my template, alllll my links to blogs and such went out the window. I was upset, but not lost because I follow all those blogs I had linked, plus more that weren't. Phew. So I started over, and that's okay. If you read my blog and aren't on there, yell at me =)

Tomorrow is my day off and I'm trying not to overwhelm myself with ideas on what I want/need to do. I already know, and need to stop thinking into each one so much, because they are only just small events during my day. Plus it makes me mucho anxious. *Be in the present...be in the present*

WTF?

2010-01-13T18:26:00.001-05:00

I woke up yesterday in the utmost horrible mood imaginable. It came out of no where and I was not the least bit pleased. If I could use one word: Anger. or Rage. I felt FAT. Like, uterally, obnoxiously fat. So what do I do? Weigh myself. Confirm what is. In the past few days, I've gained 1lb daily. I know obviously weight fluxuates, but with an eating disorder it's never okay. Adding it's that time of the month, it's expected.
After my blow up with myself, which I'll explain, I'm back down 4lbs, post bloat today. I wish I could have controlled what I did that day, but then again I still feel I deserve what I did, and even now still feel this anger with myself.

I didn't think about it. I just did it. I grabbed my face, and squeezed. Dug my nails in my face. This accompanied name calling. I hopped in the shower, and at the end, was grabbing my fat at the hips, digging and squeezing, and more name calling. Shame on you, you're fat, look at what you did. I punched, and later had bruising on my thighs. I came out of the shower and sighed, and quickly came all the sobbing. The anger was still building up and I was trying to contain myself from screaming and beating the living shit out of myself.

I've done this in the past, but not to this degree. Grabbed at my fat, in disgust, maybe a slight squeeze, but not to directly inflict pain. I felt more of a sadness when I did that. This left a nice wide cut on my upper cheek, scratches, and bruises.

I obviously should not be using a scale. But, like, I have to. I think this. I need this added weight off me. 136lbs is NOT okay. I want my 120lb body back, at least. The one I at least felt 95% good in. I suppose all this anger has built up since the days when it piled up. And my anger with myself is accumulating everyday it's still on and not decreasing. I'm eating well, no binging or overeating at that. But I'm always mad at myself. I feel stupid.

This and That

2010-01-08T18:40:00.009-05:00

Okie dokie folks, I'm posting sort of on a regular basis, which is super awesome. January 6th marked Matt and I's year anniversary. I love him so much, and in one year so much has happened, that I've moved further in my recovery having him with me. At times I didn't see this and even thought I've breaking away from him (which I believe was my Ed speaking) I feel at a good balance with things, which is not a bad way to start 2010 right??

One of my gifts this Christmas was from a gift certificate from Matt, to the Nail place I go to religiously every 2 weeks. Annnd since, well, its my gift, I'll be a little daring and go for color! And a nice design on each ring finger. For months now, I've been only doing french. I was too scared of any kind of color clashing with anything. And to my surprise, they came out frickin sweet!

The design is hard to see, and I can't get any camera I have to pick up the fine detail, so that's as good as it gets. Today, as part of my birthday present from last month, I got my hair done. A full weave highlight (two tones of blonde). Its weaved very tight so it doesn't look streaky, like most highlights. Its overall two toned, and looks natural. I'm happy to get the red out of my hair! I was also happy to have my aunt Cici, who's been doing hair for over 20 years, and owns her own salon, do it for me. (Don't mind the pony tail hump in the first pic)

Gail, my Dad's fiance [they are getting married this spring =)] came over to my apartment and helped me make vegetable soup from scrap! I was really nervous about this, thinking it would be bland and I'd screw it up somehow, but it turned out great. Plenty of spices (basil, sea salt, pepper, onion spice, parsley, marjoram, and season all) with the fixings (veggie stock, diced tomatoes, long grain brown rice, carrots, celery, onion, zucchini, peas)

I'm so ready to zonk out on the couch and do about nothing until bedtime =)

Can You Guess Where I Live?

2010-01-02T20:18:00.003-05:00

Only in Maine...

New Year, Right Now

2010-01-01T21:31:00.004-05:00

It's been a long time since I last posted, and a lots happened. Nothing like, life altering, omg kind of events, but you know, the hustle of the holidays, stress, work, never getting enough sleep kind of stuff. I've had good days, or really, good times. I've had more bad days, 'fat' days. The best word to describe how I felt about myself is ashamed. That word is a heavy thing, no pun intended. Shame makes me feel heavy, physically, emotionally, mentally. Like a standstill. I get stuck in a mental zone. And I don't mean a constant mental chatter that's negative and won't stop-I mean feeling like a ghost is on your ass and won't stop following you. You know it's there and it wants something, but you don't know what it is, and kind of don't want to know either.

But (I don't wanna sound like a cliche) it is a new year. 2010. Strange to think about but it brings some light into my life. I've naturally been doing a lot of reflection, and then realized I can't keep comparing things to what was. And instead turn my life into what is. And what is it? It's what I choose to make it, in the moment. Not making up for tomorrow, or postponing things for the next day. Now, now, now. I've known forever (okay past 4 or so years) that living, being, thinking, feeling in the exact moment is the only thing that matters, because you are always in the present moment (yeah I know duh, but who really slows down enough to consider this on a daily basis?). So, obviously, when I'm avoiding old feelings, not having dealt with them then, it affects the presence I'm in. If I'm miserable all the time over whatever, I'm, in theory, always going to be miserable. When I'm upset, I think I'm only upset about the past, or anxious about the future. But I'm really upset then, anxious then. And it doesn't stop. So my resolution, if you want to call it (it's really a life goal) is to be, practice, living in my present moment. The more I practice, the more I will naturally do it. Just like I could get so into a miserable state with my eating disorder, where my thoughts were on auto pilot, and their main focus was on how fat I was, how I shouldn't enjoy anything unless I was skinny. Even when reaching 'skinny' it didn't end, because I was never going to be there with how my mental state was. That cycle we know all too well. Until someone, or something shakes us out of it. We look around, at the real presence we're in, and either wake up or continue in our thinking. And that's what gets me, what gets even psychologists, scientists, anyone, in why we'd continue that cycle of mentality. I may never know, but from experience, knowledge and an open mind I know I really cannot be happy that way. It can't just 'appear' with all those self destructive thoughts.

God bless you if this post made sense to you. Happy New Year!

I'm Not Rich

2009-11-21T09:37:00.003-05:00

I'm up and feeling pretty good. The place is clean, went grocery shopping last night, and slept well. Yesterday morning was another story. Since we've moved in our agreement was to pay first last and security by November 1st. We've paid first and security by Oct 1st, and last has been a challenge.

Now I'm slapping myself in the head because I wrote out basically my whole post and while scrolling on my laptop somehow highlighted most all of it and when I hit space it deleted it. Then to my bemusement ctrl y did not do its job in redoing it! SHIT! Anyways...

So long story made short, I cried. I cried a lot. Because we were giving one last extension by our landlord to come up with the remaining amount of last months rent, on top of a regular rent. (That would be $1870!) We only owe $340 now, but that's on top of regular rent of $890. We have till January 1st. It will be done. But man calling him up and feeling like a failure and looking bad sucked balls.

Time to drink my Starbucks coffee and get ready for work...

Lazy Day

2009-10-30T12:06:00.004-04:00

I don't feel much like myself lately. Adjusting to these medications could be why but I'm going through the motions. Insurance refused to cover Pristiq, and instead said they would cover Cymbalta, which I'm hearing is basically the same thing. With Wellbutrin alone, my anxiety is too elevated, and when I say anxiety I don't mean irrational worrying, it's more of not being able to sit still, extreme leg shaking and I seem to trip over my words which I never do (It feels like my tongue got stuck to the roof of my mouth) Having the antidepressant added brings these down a considerable amount.

Other than that I have no appetite, which I'm not complaining. I'm nauseous sometimes, and get headaches, until I eat something. It's hard to eat when you don't feel hungry. Thankfully I am not experiencing any insomnia as of yet, which makes me very happy. I've lost weight, and Matthew has noticed. I am too afraid to go on the scale. I just want more than anything to be at my normal (healthy) weight that I was even before my ED started. And I want more than anything to have a healthy regulated appetite that doesn't consist of crazy thoughts of extreme eating or restricting. Hmmmm...at least I'm feeling this way now, but it took me going back on medications, which makes me feel loony. More on this later I suppose...

I feel kind of blah right now. Day off, want to clean the apartment, go to the gym. But this big leather coach, and having wireless Internet finally working on my laptop again (after 4 months of not working!) I feel attached to sitting here and browsing the net for a while.

Sigh.

Life's a Marry-go-round

2009-10-17T15:16:00.003-04:00

I'm back again. I suck at writing on a consistent basis, but I desperately want to urge to again. So now at this moment I have the urge, probably because of recent happenings.

I've been a miserable mess, and not that I couldn't see it or was denying it, I was only denying myself help. I would try and pray away my pain and horrible thoughts of wishing to die, but everyday still brought the same feelings. Everyday brought a tougher time trying to get out of bed and find a reason to even shower. I've realized my weight gain over the past months has been because of my depression. I relieved the depression the only way I knew how (well the only thing that would actually work temporarily) by eating. Nothing else worked. Forcing myself to read books, spending time with friends and family, etc). Even when doing things I used to enjoy I could not shake the miserable dread I felt all through my body, and the uncontrollable urge to eat. I was hating myself more and more everyday. My OCD was coming back in attempt to alive the anxiety, which only aggravated it more.

I was so sick of myself and how I felt, but had no desire or will to do anything about it. Writing that sentence makes me wanna cry, the pure frustration from this made me feel so helpless.

My boyfriend become so concerned about me, he went to my Dad and Gail, and shortly I received a call from Gail asking how I was. And of course I broke down. I called the doctor and made an appointment to get me back on medications. If I hadn't gotten that push I don't know where I'd be right now.

Thankfully since I've had a psychiatrist before, I know which mix of meds I need. At the time I can't go back to her since my insurance does not cover her services. I asked to be back on the Wellbutrin XL 150mg, and Pristiq 50mg. I was not ready for what my doctor informed me though.

Wellbutrin is covered on my insurance, but Pristiq isn't. And problem is there is no generic of it, which would be covered for me. Pristiq is $141 A MONTH. I started crying, and my doctor sent in a PA to try and get it covered. They denied. So now I have to wait until my Doctor gets back on the 23rd so she can personally call them, and hopefully they will. The only reason I got it free before is because my psychiatrist had weekly samples of it, and just gave me 4 at a time since she knew I wasn't covered.

Wellbutrin gets in your system fairly quickly, so I'm feeling relief already, and THANK GOD. The big difference is I'm feeling energy and desire to do stuff again. My doctor assured me not to feel bad that I had to come back to medications, and that going off them before might have been just to soon. (Cause soon as you feel happy are fine, you think its time to get off them...which in my case was not a good idea).

I also want to find a therapist. I would go to my old one, but honestly I just feel she was not hitting issues I needed to work on. In better terms I didn't feel she was aggressive enough in questions, and didn't offer exercises, and was not focusing on my ED like I wanted. I mostly talked and half the time I didn't know what to talk about. I guess I'm saying I need more guidance in my recovery. I'm going to contact the hospital I went to, and ask which therapists they know around that will take the insurance I have.

I feel victorious and at the same time a failure, that I'm back to where I was last year before I went to the hospital. This shit sucks.

Busy Month

2009-09-02T22:50:00.004-04:00

This month will for sure be a busy one, and I hope and pray to God I can handle it without resorting to mindless eating. If it's not one thing it's another when it comes to my ED. I've experienced/had every ED there is, and currently I'm working on staying out of the over eating spectrum.

I'm obviously not staying in touch with my feelings and emotions when the thought to munch on something yummy pops up when I'm not even hungry. It's painful because it reminds me so much of my childhood, when my mom was not emotionally there for me, and I turned to food to numb whatever was on my mind. And now having gained some weight since Matthew and I have been together makes it that much more uncomfortable and painful. I'm not liking my body and am especially not comfortable having someone show affection and desire towards it. I need to have patience, and focus on activities rather than food, what and when I'm eating. I know when I make my main focus food, my anxiety shoots up, my mind freezes, and I think the only way to ease the stress is to eat.

I need to blog more, and read blogs more. It so helps and I know it. I need to make this important time for me. I am not in therapy anymore. Laying in bed all day on my days off waiting for my anxiety and what I'd blatantly call my pissy-screw-life-I'm-fat mood to just disappear, isn't realistic or productive.

So as of October 1st, me and my love will be in our own place. I'm excited, nervous, anxious, happy, grateful. I need to take things slow and steady, and keep reminding myself it takes time to find and look for places, packing, unpacking, settling in. It will be OK.

Feeling Amess

2009-08-24T15:24:00.003-04:00

I need to jump aboard the honesty train, not that I haven't been honest, technically I'm just keeping mum about yucky feelings that nag me during the day. Those one's that bring me down, make me feel weak and useless-so I ignore it to feel strong. Which is only a temporary fix that does more harm them good.

I've gained a substantial amount of weight in comparison to my lowest weight. I'm still in a healthy weight range for my body type and height, but don't like it. All my clothes don't fit right. I subconsciously blame it on the "relationship comfort" but that's not at all fair to Matthew (I'll be using full names now, I'm a-o-k with it). I can continue in a sense, blaming him for why I'm up X amount of pounds, but that doesn't help or fix my issues with my weight. I've gone into this irrational fear I will never loose this weight, and that I'll gain more, and tragically I'll end up back where I was 3 years ago-nearly obese. So I worry, with my mental scare tactics, and panic thinking the solution is to just break up with Matthew and that will make it better. He knows all about this, and made a good point I couldn't see. He isn't my eating disorder. I cannot take it out on him. I will not take it out on him. He notices I use punishment type methods to loose weight, which is what I'm used to. That makes me a pretty miserable type of person if you are around me. No fun and games, no smiling, all seriousness. Matthew sees this as crazy and its frustrating at times cause I want to be hard on myself, and of course he doesn't want me to feel that way. He like anyone else doesn't want to be around a mopey person.

I've got to work hard. Work hard on keeping healthy, working out, being happy, positive, reach out. I need to know this will be the key to loosing my pounds I gained. These are the reasons I lost weight in the first place (before ED reared it's ugly head). Because honestly looking back I put on the pounds because deep down I didn't feel I deserved everything I had, and I used eating to ease boredom, doubt, and confusion. This time ED is going to be in the back corner trying to get me anytime it can, but God, I have put so much time and effort into working with my ED, that I need to trust I can do it again without falling into that end again (Anorexia).

Thank you Erika, for nominating me as one of the blogs you see as brilliant. You know for sure you are in my top of all time. I'm sorry I've been a lazy ass and have not sent you that book, and I'm going to put it in my calender so it will get done!

Update

2009-08-10T13:44:00.003-04:00

Hello! First off, my boyfriend M is doing well. He had surgery on his lung so another collapse is going to be nil. We're moving forward, and by October 1st we will be in our first apartment =)

I'm sorry for never updating (that is to those who even read my blog), and I hope no one got too worried. I don't know why I'm slacking with writing, it could be my busy schedule or that I feel I have nothing to talk about. And if I do it seems my energy is directed toward walking to my bed for some zzz's. Anywho, things are OK, not great, in terms of body-image wise. I'm heavier than I want to be, and I know these pounds are from being 'relationship comfortable.' Anyone been in that boat?

As for M, he wants to get in better shape too. More in terms of strength and cardiovascular, as his weight is low, and he could afford to gain at least 20lbs. We've been doing walks together, and I've taken him on my traditional 4 miler I like to do. We're doing our best to keep each other motivated.

Feel free to keep in touch with me via facebook, if you have one. I'm on there a lot!

Praying to God

2009-07-22T17:39:00.002-04:00

I don't know what to think or do at the moment.

My boyfriend M hasn't been feeling well the past couple of days, cold like symptoms, then a sore throat yesterday. He felt much better today, and then suddenly he could barely breathe and his chest hurt. Collectively in the past he has collapsed his lungs (both once), and today at work the ambulance came and got him. He thinks one has collapsed again and I'm on the verge of crying and don't know what do to-and right now I can't do anything since I am at work, and running the store by myself. By the grace of God the store is empty for the time being.

I have a million scenarios running through my mind, thinking its nothing, to that he has a condition that will be there forever. Every time he gets a cold, will it spread to his lungs and send him in an ambulance?

Arggggh, I just want to be at the hospital with him!

Quick Update

2009-07-19T21:45:00.003-04:00

I've been so all over the place, in a good sense I suppose, to be committing to blogging lately. Camping, outings, added work hours, and not much sleep, I've kind of put of writing and reading, which I've really missed. It just gets to the end of the day, and the choice comes to either blog or pass out, I've opted for sleeping. I can't blame myself.

Eating wise things are great. I'm staying away from trigger foods, and not isolating myself when upset. I read a very interesting article about food addiction last night, and tomorrow I'll post my thoughts as well as a link to it.

I went out to the ocean today and A and her friend (which is her brothers gf), and she convinced me to wear sunscreen. I have not been keeping up my tan, which I am usually quite dark, in almost a year. I really wanted a tan today, and she said the sunscreen would not stop me from tanning it would only protect me from getting burnt. She was right. I'm soo glad I used it!

I hope and pray everyone is well, and will get across to all your blogs soon. Love to you all!

Crappy

2009-07-03T10:57:00.003-04:00

Talk about a rough morning! I woke up super early, around 630am, to go out and start my day. I was going to go to the nearest town, pick out my hair dye, come home dye my hair, pack for M's, get ready for the day. My next stop was out to Starbucks, shopping for things I needed & some food, then nails done, and work at 1pm.

I went to check my account, and, no money! My paycheck was not direct deposited like it should be. I was more than livid. I called my boss, and got the number for his boss to see what was up. I guess on Wednesday he waited too late and couldn't get the payroll deposited on time, so checks would be in at work today. Problem is, I'm completely broke, even my credit card is maxed. So the only place I'm making it to next would be the gas station. M is going to try and deposit my check for me, if the bank lets him. I called him and was balling my eyes out, because on top of all that, my neck feels worse than it did when I got in the car accident a couple years back. I was just sleeping on the couch this morning and woke up to excruciating pain.

He calmed me down and said that we'll find a way, and that the day will get better and he loves me. He said even to leave work once our boss leaves and do what I want. I'm just so bummed, but I'm accepting it. My neck is starting to feel better, I took some meds for it. Shit like that, especially neck pain scares me...

Hope everyone enjoys their fourth, and that you won't be rained on!

Celebrity Morph

2009-07-02T18:08:00.002-04:00

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celeb

Just did this, and I thought I'd be able to pick a celebrity to morph into, but it does it by face recognition, and either way, I was going to chose Sarah Michelle Gellar! Too funny!

Still Awake

2009-07-02T01:10:00.003-04:00

I'm getting into a probably not so good habit-of staying up real late. I've got work tomorrow 11am to 7pm, and then Friday off, as well as Saturday for 4th of July. M and I are going to go to a friends cabin on the lake for a get together and fireworks, and I'm so excited. We both do work at the same company, and share a lot of the same hours, but outside of work we have not had much together time. Lately its just been short visits, usually involving a couch to lounge on, resting our eyes, or me getting a foot rub from him. Work lately is exhausting, and when you add the fact that 21 out of 30 days of June here have been rain, outside activities have been missed. We still want to get out to do strawberry picking, and we've planned a day at the ocean on one of his vacation days. On a side note, I've been wanting to clean and vacuum my car, but all this rains made it not possible. I'm praying for sun!

This Friday I am going to get my nails filled, they've been on for a month now and have held up awesome. I've also been browsing online at L'oreal for a new hair color. I'm aiming for something lighter, more blondish, while still having some copper brown tones it already has. I need to give $100 to M to put into our joint savings account, which will be going for our new apartment, aiming to be in by the end of October. I'm lost for words on how happy I am with M, and we are so excited to be going to start our lives together in our own home.

When you read this M, I just have to say, I LOVE YOU, with all my heart, and cannot image my life without you being part of it. Thank you so much for being there and your willingness to support me in every way I need, without judgement and loving me nonetheless.

"You're my babe."

Too Tired for a Title

2009-06-30T21:51:00.013-04:00

I feel physically too tired to write, but my mind is craving to. I had a long day, starting with a nice walk outside with my little sidekick S, whom I babysat this morning until we met her Mom H at work in town to drive to her eye appointment. She's got school vacation, and her summer rec was closed, so I watched her and spent the day with them. I saw so many freakin sweet frames that I'm dreaming to get someday. I currently have thin all black frame GUESS eyeglasses, and they had a beautiful GUESS light brown (no rims on side & bottom lens) framed pair, that I was drooling over. I had a moment of "I want, I want, I want!" Soon... :)

We went over to the Mall afterwords and browsed around, S got a build-a-bear (dog). I want one! I'd skip all that dressing it up and stuff...I'd just like a stuffed animal.

I composed a list of 'Important Self Care' (that's written out on paper too) so I can actively keep my arse in check with doing what keeps me in Happy Healthy Sarah Land. There is a place.

Reading Daily (books, blogs)
Writing on my blog
Staying in touch with my emotions, not suppressing them
Expressing opinions/emotions/thoughts to trusted people i.e. M
ME FIRST
Keeping my space clean/organized
Finishing tasks/activities I start
Budgeting my money
Getting outside
Visiting family & friends
Decreasing TV
Remember "I deserve to take care of myself"
Stay in the present
Doing things I enjoy, new hobbies
Healthy exercising
Reach out more & ask/tell what I need
Connect and express

Ignore our friend K there, he was doing that in everyone's photos, and we were too tipsy to notice until the next day...=P

Favorite wine EVER. Made right in a town next to mine.

J and I, on our day out!

S, not 3 anymore, on her two wheeler.

Scenery

Nephew & I, his mouth is full of food!

So I'd say summer is, besides the rain, going great. When the sun decides to come out, I will scream hallelujah and escape for a day to the ocean...in one of the three new bikinis...

Recover Me

2009-06-29T15:34:00.003-04:00

"What does the week you were born say about you?" with the result The Cusp of Prophecy – Sagittarius/Capricorn Cusp December 19-25.

You are an unusual individual, you may want to have fun, but are too serious to do so. You have highly developed faculties of intuition and sensation. You have mastered the art of silence and do not need speech to get your point across. You leave little doubt to how you are feeling. You do not expect to be liked by other people although you often are. You are independent and do not need the approval of others and that gives you a power and freedom that others lack. You only let a select few into your circle. You have a deep, passionate nature and highly sexual orientation that bind others to you magnetically. You have a great need to be alone. Strengths: Psychic – Inscrutable – Intense. Weaknesses: Frustrated – Antisocial – Oppressive .

Whether or not I got this off doing a Facebook application (cough) it is extremely accurate, although it is a only a spectrum of information.

This morning I got up extra early so I could drive 30 mins further away from work to get myself a Starbucks. I felt I deserved it, as lately I haven't been doing nice things for myself. I repainted my nails last night. Lit candles. The little things.

I knew in recovery that I am the one to hold myself accountable, and didn't think I could rely on others to hold me accountable as well. That's only true if you don't ask them to. Now my bf M is more than willing to hold me accountable, and I've already come up with what I need him to say/do on a daily basis to keep me on the recovery train (only phrase I could think of, queer I know)

A little while back I received an email from Shannon Cutts, author of Beating ANA, and was sent a copy of her book for reviewing, and will be working with her and many others (bloggers) on sharing information about outreach programs and more recovery tools, as well as her Mentor Connect Program. I've already started her book, and I'm coming across tons of tools, that I'm yet to start (writing/cognitive exercises- I have a habit of just reading through the whole book first, then going back to do the exercises). I'm not so good at pausing while reading :). Her book is much more different than many I have read, where its more than just a personal memoir, or a book written by a psychotherapist about prevention, or a workbook with no metaphoric basis. It exposes the ED in the flesh, the raw emotions as they surface, and gives reflective steps to connect how the ED manifested and spreads in more than one area of your life, and why its continuous cycle needs more attention than you might anticipate. AKA hard work! It's a beautiful book and I highly recommend it. When I have completed the book and it's exercises I will make arrangements to have an interview with Shannon.

Hope it is not raining where you are! Its been 3 straight weeks here of rain all day EVERYDAY.

I Need an ED Patrol

2009-06-28T13:40:00.004-04:00

I'm feeling much better today. It might have to do with the fact I woke upon 1:30 PM. That surprised me. M came over last night after we had a long talk. He knew I was not okay, after I directed him to 'read me blog' after I couldn't speak of what was up, and he called me right after. I sobbed through our phone conversation, feeling so guilty for the torn feelings on what was happening. I couldn't get out enough saying how horrible it (ED) is, how it feeds on isolation and being kept a secret. I still do not think he understands how hard it is for me to reach out for help. My biggest fear is that after reaching out, I will still be consumed to carry out an ED behavior, and then it will show, once and for all, that hope is lost for me. There's no scale which can measure how pissed this makes me. So I instantly surrender. I can describe it only like a demon is inside me telling me to give up and that I deserve this pain I feel I try so hard to avoid. This is when I feel crazy, so reaching out means letting others see this, and I don't want them to.

M offered everything and anything to help me. I cried when he offered to take me out to buy me all my safe (foods I need to be eating, not binge foods) foods until Friday, to go to the gym with me, to call me a million times a day when needed. I don't want to disappoint him, so I feel I have been protecting him by not telling him how much I've been repeatedly harming myself with going back to exactly what brought me to the hospital.

I won't go back, I won't load back up on medications. I won't go see doctors and repeat all this again. Why? Because I KNOW what I need to do. I have it all. M said this to me, he said I know exactly what I need to do, and how to do it. How I have come this far, have so much to be alive for. This shined the light on my own self pity, my hunger to be isolated, to be ignored. I won't do that anymore.

Sick of it All

2009-06-26T22:27:00.003-04:00

I've been M.I.A. for some time, part of me knows I'm in denial that I'm not doing well. I convince myself, let me just slip today, and I'll give it my all starting tomorrow. I'll blog tomorrow, I'll dive into recovery, all the exercises that shine the light on what's keeping me in ED's grip. When I'm thin enough then I'll enjoy life and be happy. To know all this will not bring me forward at all, yet believing it will, well I guess I'm insane then.

So I feel a few confessions I need to come out. I've been abusing laxatives again. I sleep and isolate when feeling triggered to binge. I've put bruises on my body, beating the emotion of feeling like a fat stupid bitch in far enough that maybe I'll finally get it and stop eating so much. I'm not happy, and I have no energy to put into healthy activity. If I'm not sleeping all my mind and body can handle is to constantly think of food, what to eat, if to eat, and then if laxatives need to be used. I'M FUCKING SICK OF THIS. How did I let myself fall back so far? This insidious inconsistency in my mind body and spirit is too much to bare. Part of me feels my recovery is slipping uncontrollably away from me, and part believes this behavior is voluntary to punish the ugly person I always will be.

Role Models

2009-06-14T22:34:00.019-04:00

I thought I'd write a post about role models, and also more specifically, models. As women we all have woman we idolize, for their personality, talent, intelligence, and their bodies. With eating disorders and body images issues, sometimes the ones we idolize are not a healthy image for us. Its hard since our society is drenched by the media with over the top skinny models. What might be harder is when we do find a healthy person to look up to, then before our eyes we see them disappear.

For me, I really embrace the Victoria Secret models. Their bodies are that of a real woman, and on the runway you can see the fierceness and pride in their eyes of themselves. They're mothers, activists, and real. They work hard to maintain their stature, as they are required to be all natural, a VS model requires a natural C cup. Now I know not every woman looks like this, or that they are the average, but they are beautiful women that I envy in more ways than just their bodies. My most favorite is Adraina Lima, she is gorgeous!

This morning I hopped on the net and ordered what you see below. Each item isn't necessarily that color, but you get the idea. Being 22, I feel I still dress, somewhat, like a teenager still. I'm mistaken for being 16 constantly, which I suppose isn't horrible but when you're getting the stink eye while drinking a martini its a bit old. Victoria Secret offers classy, sophisticated and simple clothes, and at a comparably good price. I'm soo excited for these to come in!

Medications

2009-06-09T17:57:00.003-04:00

I've progressed quite well in coming off my medications. As of now I'm only on Wellbutrin and Buspar [helps with anxiety, but mainly increases libido :)] for anxiety, and occasionally xanx when I need it. My daily concoction includes:

Wellbutrin; 150mg
Buspar; 10mg 2x daily
Energy Plus; dietary supplement
Vitamin D; 800 IU daily (New Chapter Bone Strength Take Care-Highly recommend!)
Metamucil Fiber;(Heart & Digestive Health)
Ortho-cept; birth control (regulate menses, helps PCOS as well)
Cayenne fruit; supplement 3 daily (metabolism support)

So long to Prozac and Pristiq. I actually ran out of Pristiq, and since my psychiatrist was giving me samples only (my insurance does not cover it, and there is no generic) I just stopped taking it. I will say I feel much better with what I'm on now, less "meds" and more vitamins and supplements. From the very beginning of recovery I was very much against going on medications. During my stint of ultimate natural living, I refused to even take Tylenol when I had a headache (I was this way for over a year). I was fearful I would get on medications and never be able to come off them, but that fear was worth concurring to feel better, to relieve myself of the traumatic stress I put my body and mind through.

I'm so pooped and not much in the mind set to write, and I'm feeling its probably due to the rainy weather. Hopefully mine and J's girls day out Friday will be sunny and warm!

Pampering

2009-06-08T14:44:00.008-04:00

I just finished 24oz of coffee...I'm wired. I ordered a couple things online today at Victoria Secret and I'm super excited. I haven't had a new bathing suit in a couple years...

The top one with the twisted back I got in white, and the one right above is the color I got. I've had a pretty good week, ED wise which is great. I went to a new nail place and got a full set done. This is only the second time in my life I've had my nails professionally done, and I love them. Its nice to pamper yourself once in a while, isn't it??
I had a real deep conversation with M the other night, and talked about the upcoming future plans. I'm so happy and blessed by God to have someone so understanding, caring, and on the same page about life and their dreams as me. We're working together today till 7pm, and the stores not been real busy. I'm eager to go outside, to tan, and just be in the sun altogether. We both have Tuesdays off so the beach is our go spot. Tomorrow we are going to bust out and clean/vacuum our cars. Mine needs it so. And a wash. Well, I'm going to grab a xanx to calm down, my leg is uncontrollably shaking and driving me nuts.

Good Times

2009-06-03T21:06:00.008-04:00

I had an ah-maa-zering day yesterday (I claim the rights to that word right there). Today was good too, but I was(am) soo tired. Anyway, at work Wednesday I got 5 phone contract activations! 3 renewals, and 2 new. I only had a 4 hour shift, so I averaged roughly over $32 with commissions included (not including accessories sales, which I sold 2). Being in customer services and sales can be hard, but I honestly love doing it. Today I got another 3, two new and one renewal.

My best friend J and her fiance came in Wednesday, and got plans! I was stoked, since I knew they were getting great plans and prices for everything. They were getting robbed with their prepaid phones. She got the phone I would have gotten if not my blackberry, an LG Rhythm. They're kick ass phones.

I had to drive to work today, in one of my Dad's cars. An 84 Crown Victoria. I'm so poor at the moment and had no gas, so he let me use it. My car was fixed Wednesday morning, and oil was added. I was deathly close to blowing my engine, since I'm about at 200,000 miles my car burns oil easily. Plus I was over my 3,000 miles. My car drove so much better after the ball joints were replaced, it doesn't pull all over the place.

I had a little get together with a few friends. Longtime friends, C, her boyfriend, A, his girlfriend, M, and B. I had a couple glasses of wine and two shots and I was good. It was definitely a time trip, and I'm amazed at where I once was (rebelling, doing crazy things as a teen with these kids) and now how I feel so much like an adult, and it makes me proud :) Corniest statement of the night! Becoming an adult is a slow process in itself, and I find the more I proclaim my mind, choices, and style of life, the stronger I feel as a person.

The Small Things

2009-06-01T22:13:00.004-04:00

I've always had a great liking for movies mostly aimed toward younger audiences. This past Friday M and I took his niece to see Disney's Up, and I wasn't expecting much from it, but I got more from watching this movie than I could have imagined. A few scenes I couldn't help but tear a bit, and I'm usually a tough one to crack. There was a unmistakable message from the movie, particularly to adults, that I wasn't sure the young ones would have picked up on right away, or understand the depth. But I suppose greater understanding only comes with age ::wink:: I won't give away any details, so get out there and see it :).

I'm more than super excited to see my second favorite man in the world (second to M) hosting the Tonight Show later! I used to wait up all night to see him on Late Night and I'm more than psyched that he is the new host for the show, he deserves it.

I don't know if its me not taking my meds very regularly, and a couple not at all (prozac seems to have fallen off my regimen) and this morning I forgot to take my wellbutrin. I ran out of pristiq like a week ago, so its really only been one med for a while now. I feel good, and am hoping by winter to be off all meds for good (cept birth control, and vit D of course)

Car is getting fixed tomorrow, 2 lower ball joints, and an alignment, maybe an oil change. I want to vacuum it out, armor all the inside, and get some things done in town. M's going to stop by later and we'll probably take a nice long walk if its nice outside.

Untitled

2009-05-30T22:08:00.002-04:00

Next Tuesday will be my 'last' session with L. I of course can call and make appointments if I deem necessary. I went in with no plan on how to bring it up, but I knew I had to be direct and let her know it's really what I want. My initiative for the last time is to bring in a gratitude list, a way of reflecting on what I have accomplished, which will be a challenge since anything I accomplish seems to mentally diminish and vanish quickly, and then it's always onto the next "I need to fix/do this" to be good enough mind set.

I'm pretty blank for writing right now, my mind has a song that won't stop, I'm thinking of how thirsty I am, and how I'm going to fall asleep (fell asleep at 6pm and now its 10pm...). I've had an affliction with sleeping all the time, like a love for it. I'd rather be out, go to the gym, do things, but nah, I'll sleep.

The extra weight I gained from the rough past month is coming off slowly, which means I need to be patient. I've addressed many thoughts and struggles with my bf, which, omg, talking helped! It's like pulling teeth sometimes, "No nothing will help, don't wanna talk about it." Once I just start talking, most of the time my thoughts so mixed up I make no sense, I feel those ED urges go away. He's always so great, and since talking about our needs (mine needing space, him needed more affection from me), we've come to compromises and understandings for our personal needs.

More jabbering tomorrow I suppose!

Frustrated

2009-05-28T14:52:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling emotionally drained right now. Oddly enough because I'm usually not very emotional at all, as I particularly keep it within.

Something I feel is trying to be forced, and I can't pinpoint it. I am who I am, and when my feelings or actions are challenged by another, I don't like it. Part of me wants to just give in and fake my emotions, and the other part just wants to be insensitive to others and be alone. Both are a lose-lose situation. All I know is, I don't know how I feel at the moment, and it needs to be accepted.

Its Going to Rain for 3 Days :(

2009-05-27T16:40:00.004-04:00

I am so not feelin too good today. This may gross you out, cause it grosses me out too...When I burp, it tastes and smells of rotten eggs or sulfur. I'm lightheaded, have a stomachache (chest kind of hurts too) and I'm afraid to drink even water, because in general I'm a constant belcher, anything I eat/drink makes me burp.

M went out and picked up some Tums for me, I took two, they taste of chalk of course. I get to look forward to cleaning, doing dishes and misc chores when I get home from work...sooo looking forward to that.

As you can see, I did my nails earlier before I came into work. It's been almost 2 years since I've painted my them, while I was in Massage Therapy School we could not paint or grow out our nails. Since then I've been so used to them being short, and unpainted I didn't have any interest in growing them out, and felt uncomfortable with them being long. I've enjoyed them being long recentley, and decided to go and paint them with a bright peach color. Maybe it will make the rain stop?

New Decision & Some Photos

2009-05-26T07:12:00.013-04:00

I've processed within myself, as well as others about my decision to stop therapy. I thought this was going to be a difficult decision, since I usually find choices hard to make. I'm doing this for me.

After being in therapy for over a year now, and have gone through countless sessions distraught, angry, frustrated, crying, problem solving, it's resulted in where I am today. I've made peace with my childhood and being emotionally neglected. I've forgiven my Mom, and that anger with her is gone. I've come to understand and change my eating behaviors, and my poor body image, and accept that I will struggle with it, more or less, possibly for life. I know I'm accountable in my choices, and that I have a voice and will use it.

I might go back eventually, I might not. I'm thinking along the lines of once a month, or on a on call basis to plan a session. I'm nervous and excited to think about all the things I will be able to do, since therapy was twice a week, an hour and 15 minutes away, and has limited me in my work schedule. And summer is almost here!

So far, we had a surprise birthday party for my sister in law:

Kids were all about the presents...

My wonderful nephew & I

And our 8th Annual Memorial Day Party:

Father & Son

Coolest thing to have in your backyard

Before the sun & hot weather decided to come out!

Recovery Treatment Secrets

2009-05-23T23:13:00.003-04:00

The book I'm reading, Purge, is awesome. It brings back memories of when I was in treatment, and all the small things that I had forgotten, or put in the back of my mind. It also really shows just how much I tried to be perfect at recovery, how I suppressed some real issues with myself.

I was able to adjust the meal plan to incorporate no gluten/dairy, which was a relief. Lets just say I got sick of peanut butter real fast since I didn't have milk, yogurt or butter as a choice for fat. I ate everything always in a timely manner at meals and snacks. I didn't try to hide uneaten food, play with my food, or spark an attitude. (This doesn't mean I didn't want to, I almost spoke up when I noticed my cranberry juice had high fructose corn syrup in it, and wanted to switch to the OJ since it did not). I gave up caffeine and alcohol completely as advised. The third day there my head hurt so bad from the caffeine withdrawal I couldn't think straight. I didn't weigh myself at home. (Program ran from 7am to 7pm, and I had a 1 1/2 hour drive to get there, then drive 1 1/2 hours home) I didn't eat outside of program, and I wouldn't have wanted to since I secretly was hoping for my weight to go down. Before entering I started binging without purging, hoping the cravings would go away, and then I could 'start eating perfectly again.' Those cravings obvious wouldn't stop, because they were just stuffed feelings. With me not purging them I was a loose cannon ready to explode.

I thought of the best answers I could come up with to dumb metaphoric questions (what would be 'right' for recovery, please the counselors, not necessarily my own answers) I fantasized about being thinner again, paying close detail to girls there I thought had ideal bodies. I wanted to call bluffs on what the therapists said at times, how they paid way too much attention to media being the conveyor of an eating disorder. I felt urges to correct the dietitian (being obsessed with healthy food you know ingredients of almost everything, and knowing how your body feels eating certain foods), I wanted to roll my eyes at some of the stupid 'therapy' activities we had to do. I felt at times like a kid who couldn't be trusted or taken seriously. I didn't realize until now how much real emotion, especially anger and sadness I held back. I had my eye on the prize, focus on doing everything 'right' in recovery, leave and be all better. That doesn't happen.

Don't get me wrong, it changed my life. It helped, opened my eyes, but the real work on my eating disorder development was not addressed or dealt with, and I don't think it all has been yet. I simply now could not even tell you the flow of events, the switchover from being a healthy, vibrate, outgoing, driven 19 year old to one that was afraid of any failure, food, and becoming fat. I am good at holding emotions at bay, and to the unknown eye look content with life and myself. Letting emotions out feels like a lost cause to me almost. I was so emotional as a child, sensitive, talked back at my mom, and this didn't give me exactly what I wanted: love and attention.

Something is holding me back from moving forward mentally, I don't know quite what it is, and I have a hunch I won't want to ever let it go.

Need Therapy Ideas

2009-05-21T14:10:00.002-04:00

It's so effing hot today. 91 last that I knew. And I'm at work till 7pm of course. Afterwards M and I are going to Borders to pick up the book I ordered, Purge. I read good reviews so far. Has anyone read it?

I had therapy today and lately its been very bland, our conversations seem lost in themselves. I've taken notice on when I'm feeling well and in a good space. I'm able to reach out for help when I'm upset, I'm eating well and active. But I feel misplaced being there. I've come to associate going to therapy with still being deep in my problems, time to vent, feel hopeless, and leave with some hope or new drive. Now when I go in I feel pressure to dig into my brain, try to think of something wrong, or something that might go wrong, or even worse turn something into a negative. I've conditioned myself this way, and L sees how hard it is for me to come into therapy naturally beaming and talking about dreams and aspirations, which I'm just not that type to boast about wonderful things so freely, especially when I know its 'therapy' and I feel the obligation to come in to 'fix' or figure out something. What if there's nothing to figure out? How about I just come when I hit rock bottom? I said this to her, laughing, but kinda serious at the same time.

I feel as though when asked, "How does that make you feel?" "What do you think about so and so doing/saying that?" "What made you decide that?" It comes across so vague too me, and whilst in my "therapy mode" I try and probe it, pick it apart and see whats 'wrong' with the situation. As like in Jeopardy, she gives the answer but I don't even friggin know the question. My part in this is to let go of the image that still being in therapy means I'm never going to get better, and I've ask of L to be more assertive, have mental/behavioral exercises, and to let me know what she believes I'm still struggling with and jump on it.

Any good advice, or know of a good sites with therapy exercises that have helped in recovery for you? L is looking in on this as well, and I am too. I know talking is not enough for me now, and my problems and issues are not as obvious and so easy to pinpoint, that they need to come out in other ways (like my blogging!) I float around enough with thoughts in my head all day, and I find no use of it for me doing that in therapy.

This Might Sound Like Rambling

2009-05-19T20:56:00.004-04:00

Had a really great day. I went to the gym for a bit, and I already can feel that excitement I get from working out. A sense of power, physical strength. Like I'm some kind of super hero and everything is great. In reality exercising so helps my all around health, not just physical. Its amazing how much your thoughts and moods can completely change your life. It's not that anything "changed." It became more you chose to see and believe things differently. But perception for me has not been nice %90 of the time.

M and I have been together almost 5 months. He is amazing and I feel blessed for him being part of my life and family. He lets me feel okay about just letting go, experiencing, and being accepting of myself. This Evening we went to H's and her daughter's house and grilled up some venison steak, mixed veggies and had corn on the cob. Tried the new Twisted Tea-Citrus Green and it was much lighter tasting and much better in my opinion. I don't like dark drinks/liquor. Wine is my preference. We came back and played some basketball (I won of course), then went on a nice walk.

As we were walking back to the house, we held hands. The sun is setting, cool but comfortable air. I cleared my head, no thoughts at all. I said "Sometimes its just nice to clear your head and not think about anything. It's pretty nice." I felt so in the moment, and it began to feel like I was 5 years old again, holding the hand of my first crush. That feeling of giddiness you never want to go away. Safe.

I'm being majorly distracted by Law and Order, so I might as well watch it!

Focused

2009-05-17T22:44:00.003-04:00

I accomplished so much today, it feels great. I'm fighting off those voices, the ones that say, "Well you're still fat so it wasn't good enough." I need to push forward and move on...

To review:
Went to the gym for 2 hours :)
Cleaned, vacuumed, mopped, dusted whole house
Emptied trash
Did a ton of dishes
2 loads of my laundry
Cleaned litter box
Did my nails
Cleaned out my paperwork/mail

I ate well today too. Breakfast consisted of slow cooked oatmeal w/chopped bananas & cinnamon, 2 scrambled eggs, 2 rice cakes with almond butter. Lunch I made stir fry shrimp with peppers and onions, and dinner I cooked venison, steamed broccoli and beans. I've also had 3 oranges today, and 1 apple after dinner.

Tomorrow all I need to get done is transferring all my direct bill pay accounts to my new checking account number. As well as make an appointment for my car to get a front end alignment.

Keeping busy and focused is helping a lot right now.

Swaying Indecisions

2009-05-16T22:13:00.002-04:00

As with a lot of things, I'm indecisive,...do laundry today, or tomorrow? Whites first? Hot or cold? Change the cat litter while I'm downstairs or do that last? The simplest tasks can become essay questions to me that put pressure on me like its the final exam and I didn't study.

Tonight, I took Layla out of her cage (I have two pet rats, btw). I thought it would be nice to give her a snack. I thought, well why not cheese itz? I'm sure rats love those.

Wait, no, those aren't good for you. Refined wheat and additives. I wouldn't eat them.

Wait, what? She's a RAT, she doesn't give a damn, it's food. Why should I decide if she can or cannot eat a friggin cheese it?

My ED transferred onto my pet. I've noticed this before, with my cat, checking the ingredients of her cat food. Checking ingredients of what my family eats. Feeling wrong when giving my nephew chips or a treat he asks for. Feeling disgusted as my boyfriend has a hamburger and fries from McDonald's.

Feeling crazy I have this much thought into not just what I eat, but what others put in their mouths too. Aside from this, my swaying thoughts are more about myself and my acts for recovery. I'm reading this great book that addresses food addiction; 1/3 of my ED. It involves the 12 steps as in AA, and makes complete sense. Abstaining from certain foods, which I already do, but the nail in the head was the "substituting" of trigger foods, like with soy ice cream, gluten free cookies, tortilla chips, etc. Just passing my 'healthy enough test.' Convincing myself these are acceptable, even healthy, is a load of crap. If it's good for me, why not eat a lot, just like eating a bunch of broccoli? I'll convince myself its no big deal. Not because they aren't a good alternative, its because they trigger my food addiction, and my brain knows it. Lots of processed foods contain chemicals, aka "drugs" to food addicts, which trigger a binge, or over eating. Even 'healthy' alternatives, gluten/dairy free products, can trigger a binge. This would be bad for me since I have been tempted to purge even acceptable amounts of these foods. The other part of me is so pissed I've gained weight recently, it wants me to starve. Either way I cannot continue to eat these triggering foods. Especially since I am noticing my eating is from emotions or boredom.

Abstinence is huge for me, and so is finding balance so I do not cut out every food group and become fearful of eating altogether again. I think it is so critical I work on this part of my ED as well, because only focusing on the "not starving myself" part leaves me jumping to the other side-gluttony.

One decision is clear, I'm sick of swaying. I want balance and my body is screaming for it.

Turd-day

2009-05-08T16:41:00.002-04:00

Gosh, what an interesting Thursday I had yesterday. Ever had a bad day, not just something happening and it being shitty, but shitty things happening all day long? Let's review...

9:30am; wake up late, alarm did not go off. Rush to get ready for therapy, leave at 10:10am, need to be there at 11:00am, takes 1 hour and 15 minutes to get there. Traffic is slow.

11:20; driving around the Old Port (busy city in Maine), and finding no parking spots, or garages that are open. Concert is going on at the Civic Center. Ugh. Call L and let her know situation, schedule again for Tuesday. BTW, I'm driving on empty, gas light has been on a half hour at least.

12:00pm; find a gas station finally, after taking a short cut which wasn't the one I was trying to get at. Gas station shut down, go to next one mile down the road. Pull in, take a left to go around pumps to get to opposite side. I hit (scraped, I found out, phew) a car when taking the turn to get to the other side. She takes my information, I leave.

3:00pm; at work. Check my bank account online to make sure it matches my checking book. WTF? Overdraft fees, so I'm $-105.

7:30pm; driving home from work. Flat front passenger tire out of nowhere. Cop sees me and turns around, and was nice enough to change the tire.

I went home, vented to my Dad, and had a glass of wine and a hot bath. To wrap it up, I have major money worries. I'm in complete debt above my head. I'll be okay though, I know wasting energy on a bad day isn't worth it.

Hope this post cheered you up if you're feeling blue! If not I hope you got a laugh out of it, cause I can at least laugh at myself. I never thought I'd be able to do that.

Changes

2009-05-06T15:32:00.003-04:00

Been a rough couple of weeks. I've addressed in therapy how much anger I'm carrying deep inside me, and how badly I want it out but feels like I can't find a way to express it.

I'm sick of the "I can't" I put in my general view of life. Even worse are the "I should", which trigger the ED monster within me. It's bad enough when things become black and white, but when you want to rebel after choosing, you've lost complete hope in your own sanity. It's time to fucking do what I want. Do I want need to do to regain my mental and physical health, loose the added weight put on by stress. Pamper myself. Say no to others when I want. Blog everyday again, make more new connections.

I know the steps I need to take and so here it goes.

Writer's Block

2009-05-04T13:08:00.003-04:00

I'm really considering changing my blog web address. I feel a complete writers block knowing a few people in my life that have access to read this blog.

To anyone that has changed their blog, would I only need to change the web address? I really do not want to change the name if at all possible.

Yum

2009-04-30T21:44:00.002-04:00

I've got the most killer hiccups-maybe had too much wine. I'm only half way through my second glass. It's delicious, something I haven't tried. It's white Merlot and very light and fruity.

M came over tonight and watch a movie with me, rubbed my feet, and assured me he understood my mentality. (I had a talk with him about how I felt at a time that I should just break up with him, spare him, isolate myself, just to loose the added weight that's been driving me nuts). He supports me in the loosing weight area, since he knows I've been eating just to look normal in front of him, even when I wasn't the least bit hungry-which triggered me hugely. It's complicated with a mix of anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, and binge eating. Majorly confused doesn't even cover it when I'm in the midst of a meltdown, or slip, or I should say situation when food and my body have turned into the 'issue' when it's really something else.

Honesty is the best policy.

Better off Alone

2009-04-29T16:25:00.004-04:00

It's been a real mind battle lately, between recovery (being carefree with food, weight gain, anxiety about going overboard) and not recovering (isolating, food control, weight loss, rituals). This is a loose-loose situation, just because that's a complete black and white approach.

Since being in a relationship, working, being more 'out there', I've loosened my body/food standards, not on purpose or intentionally, more of a sense of trust in situations and myself. Its all too much a up and down ride because soon enough I'm agonizing over letting myself eat some fries, or eatting dinner after 8pm. This leads to immediate self hate, and either wanting to isolate, or say fuck it and eat junk whenever offered. The affects are showing, I've gained 15lbs since January, and please don't take this literally but, I wanna fucking die.

Where's my motivation, my will, my drive? Oh yeah I want to isolate and be alone so I can loose this weight. I lost all my weight before, in a healthy way, as a full time student and worker, and I was confident with myself. It seems since my ED evolved, it seems loosing/maintaining weight requires drastic actions, including me having a negitive image as an individual to drive me.

If I hate this battle so much, why am I always chasing it?

What's up

2009-04-20T20:50:00.002-04:00

A month back or so, my entries became less and less, in frequency and content. I suppose I've been neglecting my reasons for not writing, but told myself I could suck it up and do without. Its more than one reason, and I do not want it to inhibit me from this form of therapy-writing-which has changed my recovery into something more life changing.

Knowing that I have many (family) members with access to this, well, can feel exposing. I have nothing to hide, but feel too much out there. Having my bf M have access, makes it even tougher to appear "okay" all the time, both literally and figuratively. I thought this blog was here so I could be real with myself, others in recovery, and not feel alone in my daily 'life altering' situations.

Having too many real-life-relationship readers, I at times, and apparently as of late, feel threatened and want to invert into myself again. What do I do? Hey Ma, Bro, M, don't read my blog anymore, I'm not trying to hide anything, I just feel more of a need to fake I'm okay knowing that you read it?

I miss this blog and others a great deal, so much that I can't fake I'm well enough without all the support and great people I've been lucky enough to acquire friendships with.

This past couple weeks or so, I've been feeling quite low about myself, in each aspect. Add to that a whole butt load of laziness. Too guilty to keep bitching and moaning, because, well "But Sarah you're so pretty, how can you think that?" When I say fat and ugly, it pertains not only to my exterior, but my interior as well. My surroundings are even fat and ugly. I need to take physical action on my problems, and I can't begin to do so without comprising of the real context of them through expressing myself here.

I want to come back. Saying this brings tears to my eyes.

April Already!

2009-04-12T05:05:00.002-04:00

I figured I would update, since I can't sleep, and because its been ages since I've written a post and I want to let everyone know I am okay=)

Life has been really good, as it should be. I've become extremely close with my bf, spending time with family, focusing on work, and doing my best to treat myself well and continue therapy. The biggest change and thing that has helped my anxiety, is voicing my opinion. When I get that little "urge" to say something, whether its personal or not, I do not ignore it. My sensitivity to my triggers are heightened in the sense that I can confront them ahead of time.

I miss all of you, reading your blogs, and writing. I hope everyone is well, and that anyone who celebrates Easter or doesn't, I wish you a wonderful day=)

Recovery

2009-03-26T13:44:00.005-04:00

I have been at work almost an hour, and its been dead so far. This month of March I've done poorly with commission and I'm convinced it's because this month of the year is always wacky for me. February I kicked ass-beating the other part timer who's been here 8 months.

Read blogs yesterday, threw out a few comments. I don't mind whether I get a comment back when I comment of course, I enjoy the benefit of of speaking my mind to another persons views, whether relating or otherwise which is often helpful for them and myself. I'm behind on responding to those who have commented on my posts as of late, which I don't know if I'll get to, but I'm working on that. Having an ongoing conversation after the fact, gets my mind working more on recovery. Feedback of any kind helps tremendously.

Not too much action otherwise. I was very humbled yesterday and E spoke her truth about where she has been with recovery. With that I need to admit is that, I had been using the scale (decided today it needs to go) browse websites for thin images, and some isolation and attempts to protect my Ed)

So, thank you E. It's a reminder I not only need to be honest to myself, but to everyone as well to move forward in recovery.

Affirmation This

2009-03-24T14:43:00.006-04:00

I'm not one for affirmations, but the one I came up with really helps my anxiety and smacks me back into reality.

Worrying about:
Past=Excuses (regret, analyzing, not forgiving self)
Future=Fear (repeating mistakes, failure, uncertainty)

But, there is only is, and will ever be:
The Present, and what I make of it. If I'm content in my present, dealing with anxieties rationally, taking care of myself, doing things to my best ability, then that's enough. Its enough to just be in the present itself, but yet its so easy to flip back and fourth between the past and future thoughts as if they were the only thing that determines who I am.

Forgiving others is easy, myself, not so much. It's extremely vital I do so in that I can remain present and begin to enjoy myself. Thinking of the future only adds anxiety, and sets me up for disappointment if things do not turn out as expected. This "slump" I went through for the past month, I view as my body rebelling my strict routine and expectations. In my mind I hated this, but my body was screaming "LET ME!" Whether I sat on my butt, watched TV, or ate after 7pm, it's still going to be okay.

The question less asked, and even answered is, "What do you want?" Not tending to my needs, immediate or otherwise, automatically my subconscious gets anxious, something is not right. Whether I just need to voice "Hey I don't like that." Or if I accept to do a favor I don't have time for, I need to at least vocalize this. I have a tendency to keep all thoughts internal, and as with anything that builds up, the space it takes leaves less room for other things that are important to me.

Every days a new day, and that's the way it will always be.

Body Fight

2009-03-19T14:35:00.003-04:00

I've been so up and down lately. Feeling okay, great, then completely in anguish about everything (aka my body). Why is my body everything to me? Why does it hold such a power over my life? I can mentally work on knowing its not, but the outside world enforces that our bodies are what speaks loudest.

While reading Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, I'm observing how my adolescence seemed like a huge punishment, body morphing and developing, moods changing, hormones raging, uncontrollable occurrences happening with no say over it. Not only was my body changing and feeling like a reject of God, flawed in every way, I could find no answer to why and how to handle what was occurring.

Numerous doctor visits, screaming matches with my mom, diagnosis of PCOS, I had some inclination of my bodily functions, but still felt no kind of control over them. Puberty should have been enough, but adding PCOS on top of that fueled my self hatred to the max.

I had two appointments yesterday, with my therapist and psychiatrist. Meds are changing again-my level of anxiety sure feels like depression, since I feel I could crawl in bed and not move again. I'm back on Wellbutrin which gave me energy and motivation to do things, just on 150mg instead of 300mg since that amount aggravated my anxiety more. I'm slowly coming off Prozac while I'm adapting to Pristiq. Pills, pills, pills. I'm so not for them but its relevant I am in need of them in recovery.

Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters

2009-03-17T21:16:00.003-04:00

I'm updating even though I don't really know what I want to talk about. This happens to me in therapy, when I arrive I'm at loss for what I feel about things. Last few days have been okay, the only real upset is my body perception-funny how that one thing can dominate every aspect. More frustrating that I can see this and how impossible it feels to ignore.

I have been reading Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. In all my Ed reading material I've come across and read, I have never found a better book that I can whole heartily feel connected to, think yes! that's exactly it. Not that it simplifies the disorder, but her writing makes the issue more concrete, and palpable no matter the cause of the Ed. I'm so drawn in by how the author depicts the mentality of generations of women, with the opposing forces between our dreams, beliefs, desires, fears, and our need for unreachable perfection. Anyone that denies this epidemic for a quest in perfection is lying. Whether its about weight, career, relationships, education, appearance, I believe woman today are trying to be the best in all of these-at once. I highly recommend this book to everyone.

I'm pretty beat, so I will end this short. It's been pretty shitty my lack of energy, but I think since Spring is coming soon it will soon change.

The Eating Disorder in Me

2009-03-14T00:05:00.005-04:00

I'm not quite sure why sometimes I try. Try to explain myself in context to others, craving their complete understanding. When it comes down to it, no one quite knows what it's like being who you are.

The conversation with M was all over the place. I don't think he, nor my Dad for that matter, really see my Ed as something affecting my life twenty-four seven. He knows its something I will deal with all my life, but seems to think it's just easy to control. How, it's just food, and doesn't understand how I can/can't eat when I do. I tell him some of the ways I act, show/don't show emotion, interact is in twined with my Ed. Growing up with an Ed most of my life, it has defined me. And at times it grips onto me so hard and can convince me I am a walking Eating Disorder. When I'm down, you can guess what I'm upset about. It's a big mess of emotions that presentably look like body and food problems, but in itself I can't get down to the real reason I'm down. This is all I can say while I know it is not my body nor food, but somehow these things are accountable in my miserable state. The indifference of my passing emotions does not feel stable and safe, while food and body are concrete in that objective I can control easily.

Any other addict makes sense to him, drugs for example. Food just seems to...boring? How can someone be addicted to that behavior? It might be like me telling him I'm addicted to a necessity, which I am. It's bizarre but that's what it is.

Why am I at odds with how he sees my Ed? In limbo (recovery) my Ed behaviors may be at bay, but the emotions underneath I still have no idea to deal with (good and bad), and my Ed wants at every opportunity to strike with each one.

Checking In

2009-03-13T18:40:00.002-04:00

I'm here! I've been doing well, last night M and I had a big conversation pertaining my Ed. I will get into it later, but I felt very exposed afterwords like I had shown a part of me better off hidden.

We are about to go out to dinner with M and his parents (who I'm meeting for the first time) I will blog either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Love you all, and hope everyone is well!

Pride

2009-03-08T22:33:00.003-04:00

The last few days have really been a turn around for me. I've come to terms with accepting I am in control of what I eat, in a positive non body-mind-soul abusive sort of way. Eating is a minute part of my life, and there is much more to out there for me. It used to look like this:

If I were feeling...
Anxious: Want to eat. Eat things not good for my condition (in terms of PCOS; ice cream, cookies, candy, chips, anything I knew was not healthy)
Angry: Want to eat.
Sad: Want to eat.
Happy: Want to eat, but would start to feel guilty for wanting food.
Guilty: Want to eat secretively, again junk food.

Basically any emotion would trigger my brain into a cycle of trying to think what I need to eat to feel better, stop that emotion. This was very automatic. I broke this cycle after the hospital, but in recent weeks sometimes it starts up again. I have to really take responsibility, pause, and gather my real thoughts. In the past when restricting, my emotions were so gone I just never wanted to eat. It was easier then. I'm learning to feed my emotions with something other than food. The big benefit of being able to feel and think clearly again is the ability to know that eating will not make it better.

Whenever it came to binges, I'd break my rule of my gluten/dairy free food. I'd say fuck it, if I'm going to eat a lot mine as well make it worth it. And of course I'd not only regret it because of the perceived 10lbs I would instantly gain, but because I knew it was not helping my PCOS. I'm really seeing now just how interconnected my Ed and PCOS are, and how fine a line it is with food. The biggest step for me was accepting it's okay that I don't eat like everyone else, to not feel like I have to eat pizza because everyone else is, or because someone asks me to. Honestly most of the time fear of weight was not the first thing in my mind when it comes to eating food. It's the affects from it. I'm allergic to gluten and intolerant to dairy, I've learned that. Once I was off these foods initially I felt so much better in terms of mind and body. More are sensitive to these two things than people may know.

I need to say though, at first I was proud of my new diet, that I had followed for PCOS. I embraced it, told others, spread the knowledge I was gathering about the affects of certain foods, and about PCOS in general. My final presentation in school was about PCOS. Then slowly over time I became embarrassed, ashamed of how I ate. Getting too many comments on how skinny I was, and how my diet was weird. I broke down when an ex of mine, who I was splitting up with said "The way you eat is fucked up. It's not normal." I started to believe it. I was more attentive to what I ate, always feeling shame with whatever I ate. Before when overweight I felt shame, and now that I was at a healthy weight, I still felt shame over eating. I couldn't win. I did not feel normal anymore. I had fear with whatever I ate, justifying it's ingredients and nutrients, and the amount I ate. I stopped telling people how I lost weight, afraid of judgement. I imploded on myself, switching between overeating, purging, restricting, confused on how to eat at all. Then slowly my Ed evolved and took full force.

I am not an Ed. I am not PCOS. I am not a diet. These do not define me. If my Ed voice can speak such evil volumes about myself and my body, I only look forward to how much power my real voice will speak for who I truly am.

I am proud of my weight loss. I am proud I am over coming an eating disorder now. I'm proud I've gone through this. I'm proud of who I am.

Holding Myself Accountable

2009-03-05T13:49:00.002-05:00

To "set in stone" I am bringing fourth a proclamation that will 1; make recovery more straightforward, and 2; will leave no room for excuses cause I made the damn statements.

1. Follow my dietary plan to treat/help my PCOS symptoms. No gluten (found out I'm allergic, I get hives, yay...) No dairy, only low GI Index /processed (for blood sugar). Plenty of veggies, fruits, nuts, and lean animal protein. This is do-able, it's been done, and done with out ED behaviors. I need to respect this just as much as I need to respect my need to nourish myself, because food needs to be there to support and heal my body, not my feelings.

2. Make every attempt possible to not eat alone. To not feel out of place, or guilty if my food is not the same as others at meal times.

3. Always grocery shop with someone (M, Dad, G, etc...) Prepare and stick to needed list before going.

4. Express my emotions even when they are not directly pertained to "food" or my "body" or how I "look." These are only the symptoms of what is bothering me.

Based on my last two appointments, new grasp on my anxiety, and the feelings with myself and family, I see committing to the above crucial in embracing my continued recovery/life with as minimal inflicted pain as possible. These are my top priorities in recovery right now.

P.S. Love myself, be an individual and express myself, cause there will never be another me=)

Communication Heals

2009-03-04T21:09:00.005-05:00

The last couple of weeks have gone by in much like a foggy haze-moments I'd rather forget, some I can't remember straight.

Therapy, which is one part of my support team, is like a validating kick in the face (which I need often) that I'm okay and it's not my body or the food that is the problem. My psychiatrist L asked me today, as I was anxiously shaking my legs, "What do you think has been bringing on all this anxiety?" I reply with smugly with "I really think its the food." She laughed and I did too, knowing that's the easiest way to look at it but it's not what is causing my emotions to go whack. Part of me really thinks it's the food that causes anxiety-which in my case with PCOS and my gluten/dairy free diet it does affect. I started talking about things, my thoughts on how I feel about the relationship with my Dad, my eagerness to leave the house, and the lack of support I feel in recovery at home. Outside of my therapists I solely rely on myself-and of course up until recently my blog and other bloggers, which I believe has kept me in my recovery. Its extremely vital to me to have the support of everyone going through the same emotions, struggles, and revelations and for some unknown reason I've been slacking on this vital support. My mind believes once I'm doing well, I can skip this and that, miss a day of blogging, etc, and that I'll be able handle things just as well. Well, nope I can't.

As weird as this might be to say I need all of you. I need your support. I need your comments. I need you to continue to write on your blogs. Good or bad days please be there, I need to know that I'm not alone in this isolating disease. I need you all to know how much all of you mean to me in my life, my recovery.

My medictions were adjusted today, I'm slowly going to come down on my Prozac, and have been prescribed to Pristiq, which is targeted towards the neurotransmitters Prozac doesn't affect in lessening my anxiety. Apparently my anxiety is not in control, which I could see that being possible, since I've been very conditioned to being anxious most of the time, and not wanting to admit anything is wrong. Pristiq is a lot like Wellbutrin, but while on Wellbutrin I was more motivated, my anxiety made me feel manic. I've been off that for a while now and do notice a difference.

The bf's rubbing my feet I must go now=)

Reminder to Self

2009-03-04T17:27:00.003-05:00

Will be posting tonight-there is a lot I need to share, and just needed to post this so I will get on my behind to do it and not forget=P

Love to each and everyone one of you who read, or whose blog I read as well=)

Finding my Grip

2009-02-27T05:29:00.003-05:00

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of uncertain emotions. Slips. Fall backs.

I know I will never find the "core" to what started my Ed. I'd be digging in history far too much, as I already seem to do subconsciously on occasion. I'm finding my triggers though, but that's not enough. It's the communication of these that is most important. My relationships in life.

Something is different though. I feel a greater power over my cynical side. It's not washing over me as it usually does. I've simply had enough of it, that I can't continue believing I'm that bad of a person for wanting my life. This hostility is coming to an end, because I finally want it to.

Fear is temporary. Communication will kill the disorder.

Did I Really?

2009-02-21T07:16:00.004-05:00

Last night was wonderful-went out to dinner with bf, had a Cajun salmon salad, 3 martinis...we then hung out with friends and came back home. K came over and we all did some wii bowling and rock band.

I'm laying in bed. Half awake, I start talking. I ask the bf, Did I pretty much fall asleep on the couch? Yes. Was I in the bathroom on the floor? Yup. Did I throw up? Nope. So I was just like chillin in the bathroom by the toilet? Pretty much, and I brought you into bed to sleep.

Woah. I vaguely remember falling in and out of sleep in the living room while we watched TV. Vaguely remember sitting on the floor over the toilet. I had 3 drinks, plus one more when I got home. This really shows how little I ever drink, or at least how little I ever have more than one drink.

After this conversation, bf said he did not feel well. He had a salad as well, and one beer. That was it. His head hurt so much he had to throw up, a couple times. I had drove to the store to buy him Advil around 5am. I'm not sure if it's just a really bad migraine, or if he's coming down with something. Either way I feel so bad, it's never fun to be in that kind of agony.

Since last weekend, I've been mentally and physically feeling well. I moved many of my kitchen and bathroom items into the bf's last night. I had gone grocery shopping at Whole Foods, then Hannaford. Over the past couple of months I have come to see that being at home triggers me extremely. I slipped back into bulimia staying there one night. When I'm here my anxiety is calmed, I'm relaxed and can think clear. I honestly do not feel safe being at my house unless my Dad or G is there. Even then I still don't want to be there.

<------------

Excellent little snack-awesome texture, taste, and it's made by Larabar!

I'm going to get on my ass more about blogging-before during and a little after I was not doing anything blog wise. The affect this blog and others has on me in recovery is invaluable, and I need to remember this to keep me on the right track.

Still Here

2009-02-17T15:28:00.004-05:00

This past weekend was a mess, ED wise. Today I feel much better and I'll leave it at that, instead of trying to figure out how and why it all happened.

I really loathe my over analyzing. Most of the time, and some times it can come in quite handy, and I feel more prepared/aware than others in situations. I've tricked myself into believing if I imagine every possible outcome for each moment, that I'll be less anxious and therefore be able to handle what happens. Thing is, I'm so into thinking what could happen (which I could call premature anxiety, haha) I am not even present in what is actually happening right then. In short, my mind goes blank. It's like I'm trying to end every one's sentence but keep getting it wrong. This does not ease my anxiety at all.

So today I'm keeping my mind shut. Trying not to jump the gun on things. Maybe feel present for long moments. Yes, that would be nice.

Relapse CAUTION

2009-02-12T21:35:00.005-05:00

God, why was I not strong enough???

The high, the rush. Light headedness, spinning. Acid burning my throat. Heavy, bloodyshot eyes. Tight chest. Hot face.

I did what I never imagined I would do again. I don't know how I am going to explain this, to anyone really. My first thought was, "What is everyone going to think of me? I just won't say anything so no one will pay attention. What will my therapist think? Will she think I haven't been trying?"

I'm tired of wanting, of needing things. My thoughts and feelings become so overwhelming I feel trapped. Alone.

I ate and puked. Puked, so I will not want to ever eat again. I really believe doing so will "straighten me up" so I will barely ever eat. I know my exact thinking pattern; crave food, think craving food is bad. Feel panicked, worried craving will get out of control. Think about food nonstop. Finally binge to get rid of craving. Purge so I won't want to eat again. Binging and purging is my "Go back to start, and try again at eating perfectly" move.

Will this game against myself ever stop?

Adolescence

2009-02-05T23:57:00.002-05:00

I saw my therapist L on Wednesday, and as usual, uncovered more repressed feelings, and they would be directed to my adolescent years. My consciousness of my body in space made me nervous. I was aware of this at a young age (6 or 7 I believe). As I grew older, changes were happening, I developed early. Period at age 10. Birth control at age 12 (periods were extremely abnormal). And many other things were changing with my body. I did not understand why, or how to stop these changes I didn't understand.

During those years, I had no one to turn to-I never trusted my Mom's opinion, in that I truly thought she was always lying to me, and didn't care. I'd ask, do you think I'm fat? No. Can you help me with my homework? Go ask your father. Can you drive me to a friends in town? No I'm busy. Throughout adolescence I gave up asking my Mother for anything, or help with anything. I came to believe she just did not give a shit, and that I was a huge stress to her, and she made that clear many times to me. I was emotionally alone, felt no connection or trust with my Mother, did not feel important to her.

In my teen years, I became depressed, and would inform my Mom I wanted help with it. It took more than a few screaming matches for her to give in, take responsibility of her child and help me feel better. Our home was a war zone for a good 8 years of my life. I was filled with resent, anger and disappointed in that my Mom was not acting in a motherly loving way I wanted and most importantly needed. I saw other friend's mothers, envying their involvement in their child's life. I felt unwanted, that I had too many needs, and that my feelings did not matter to anyone.

As an adult, I know my mom was sick. She stopped drinking when she was pregnant with me, and is now 23 years sober. I had talked to her shortly ago, and learned that she did not know how to interact with me. She explained I was upset one time, crying. She called her sponsor and asked for help, "What do I do?" they responded, "Give her a hug, comfort her." My mom's reaction was, "Well, how do I do that?" I also cannot recall her playing and interacting with me. If we did things together, it was always what she wanted. Things that didn't interest me. What about what I wanted? Our roles were very reversed to say the least.

With her lack of knowing how to be a nurturing, forgiving, loving mother, I often thought she was just plain stupid at times. She did not understand things, and could not process others' thoughts and accept there may be a different view. Now I understand how she, when having me, had just became sober, and had no idea how to care for a baby. Growing up my Mom's mom was very controlling. Work came first, then the kids. My mom was constantly controlled, belittled, and made to feel a failure. Her father was an alcoholic, who could not keep jobs. My grandmother was the breadwinner. My Mother did not feel important to her mother as well, in that her mother never gave her the attention and care she needed.

Without having proper care, growing from infant to adult, can affect people in all different ways. I became quiet, withdrawn, self conscious and had low self-esteem. This isn't any one's fault. Now, I am able to comprehend what has happened, forgive, and learn to excel. Breaking the traits that you grew up with, developed with, observed all are hard wired in the brain. My mother did not know how a child needs to be treated, was in recovery for alcoholism, and had limited emotional support. By third grade my need for my Mom was replaced by food. Food could help any mood, like a mom would. Help me feel better, happy, at least for the time I'm indulging in gorging my feelings.

I now know that the child inside me, is being neglected, by myself. The way I treat, think, and view myself. Continuing a deserved punishment from my past feelings and actions. Starve, restrict, and if you eat 'wrong' foods there are consequences. This fear is so real to me. It is real, in that I've experienced it. The food I used to eat left me unhealthy, and was extremely addicting. Either eat very limited types of food, or eat everything and go mad. My fear of if I eat 'normally' I will gain all the weight I lost, and people will not care for me anymore, think I'm out of control. Sadly, as I see it now, I became more noticeable after loosing all my weight. I liked this at first, then said, wait, why now? Answer: My body. Why: Now it's acceptable and worth others' time. But WHY? It reinforced the thought that my body was bad, wrong, and unwanted all my adolescence, so much my mother didn't care and couldn't handle me. I changed and started to be the center of attention. I grew strongly to hate this, wanting no one to look at me, notice me, think of me.

It is getting late, and I have much more to say, let out, feel, move past. To anyone that reads this, I will tell you that you are not alone with your struggles. They may be different, but they affect our lives. I want these affects, negative or positive, to give me strength to love myself and others. And feel life is worth living.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze?

2009-02-03T20:25:00.009-05:00

This post may make little or no sense. I'm somewhat rambling.

First off, My boyfriend is the best. He went out of his way to get my laptop to feed off his router for internet access. Considering he didn't know his password, and the CD is in nowhere land, the customer service dude needs raise (as bf says). Is it silly I feel so great about him doing this for me? (I insisted; no its okay, it's not a big deal, you don't have to do that) He's such a sweetheart!

Things are well, they really are. In the realistic world that I'm in, things are going great. Why is it never enough? Oh yeah I want to be thinner. That dictates half my mood, often subconsciously. Why do I want to loose weight? I really honest to God don't know. All I could say is it will make me happier, solve all my problems, boost my self esteem, create world peace (okay last part is a bit out there). And with recovery I already know loosing weight won't accomplish these things.

It's the high of believing I'm getting to 'that place' by loosing weight. Except I never get there. The high of excitement about getting to weigh yourself in the morning, giving you that extra push to do even better that day to still loose more. The high of being at a gathering, only munching on carrots and celery while everyone is stuffing their face with chips and cookies. The high of what feels like no one else in the world could achieve, and a feeling of difference from everyone. Identity.

Is it so crazy I want to keep recovering, but also so want to restrict, make rules, and loose weight?

With all honesty, I've been cutting out certain foods. I'm not eating full meals. I know how few a changes I could make to loose weight. Why am I afraid of maintaining a normal weight? I most of all want the outside of me to appear different, as in the mirror I see a person I can't stand to look at. I had a significant dream about mirrors a few nights ago, and how when I looked into it my reflection was upside down, as was a few items in the room (a bathroom), like the sink upside down on the ceiling. I talked with my therapist about how the correlation between mirrors and bathrooms, how much they are a part of our lives. Bathrooms mostly involve routines with our bodies, how we shower, wash our hands, do our makeup, dress, etc.

We bath/shower, do our "duty", there's the infamous scale, often a mirror over the sink, all which are related to the body, in the flesh, and most of the time you are alone in this very room. You have no choice but to be up close and personal with your body. If my subconscious has believed I think I look fat in the mirror, than even as I try to change my thoughts, mirrors trigger that inner part of me to say I'm still fat. As many other things do; scales, certain foods, etc can all have a subconscious label. (i.e. if you saw a snake in your kitchen, you might freak out if snakes aren't your favorite animal. Your subconscious will increase your heartbeat, getting ready for the Flight or Fight response.)

The daily reminder through these things is a key foundation which may regulate our mood, thoughts, and actions that impact our lives. I believe this is why living with an Ed, feeling/sensing something 'different' , not part of our routine, we immediately need to find a way to fix it so it doesn't disturb this routine. Fight or Flight, Starve or Binge. It's important to know, there's a third response; freeze. Freezing gives opportunity to think, take in sensory information, and make a logical decision. Adding OCD to the picture makes recovery even more daunting, but accepting that I see all this is huge.

I'm learning how to freeze.

What do you see now that you are in recovery?

WTF is Normal?

2009-02-01T19:32:00.007-05:00

I feel like I'm some heightened individual, who is so sensitive to their own feelings/surroundings/thoughts, it almost feels like I know too much, but I don't want to know this much(or have so many feelings...). Whatever part of the subconscious mind that stores past events, it's like always on, and my part of the brain that takes in sensory from the present moment is MIA. I can recognized this, and sadly I still can't retrain my subconscious, and I want to so badly. So this ends up in me faking emotions. Some are real, they really are. Some are so real that when they go away I think the worst. Some situations trigger my old thinking patterns. Especially now, when I am so in control of my life, with so many choices, I'm resorting to old survival habits.

Starve.

Then I think I will be able to handle anything. I'll be numb. Wait, I feel that way now. My black and white logic is flashing two choices in my head:

Recovery, loose control, get fat, hate self.
or
Go back to Ed, feel numb, be skinny, hate self.

You could probably guess which one I want right now. Eating food makes me feel so weak at times, it reminds me of before, when I lost weight. How much I HATED my self and my body. How I would not go to school just because I felt I looked too fat from behind. How much I was conditioned to turn to food for any and all emotions-this too numbed me, but made me fat.

I feel when looking in the mirror I see my old self, my old body. I immediately get pissed. Think of all the shitty things in my life, and how I'll never accomplish great things. Struggling. I really don't want this, I feel like someone is playing a trick on me to feel and see this way, what feels like all the time. Did I deserve this?

My weight loss is the thing I am most proud of in my life. To loose 50lbs, healthily, was such an epiphany, an awakening of how to treat my body. Schooling in Massage Therapy only heightened my sense of well being. The Ed came after I graduated. Somehow anything I did in life was never good enough, especially for me.

I talked with my mom the other day, and felt some huge transition in how I observed her and my Dad's relationship. I always felt Dad just wanted her to get a job, contribute, be a better mother. I felt my mom was avoiding this all on purpose to piss him off, and to make me feel like the biggest burden in her life, the reason she couldn't. My Mom wanted support, emotionally, someone to understand. Their needs did not get met.

"You wanna know what it really is? I don't trust you." is what my Dad said to my Mom before she moved out. He didn't trust her from all the times she left him and my brother to go get drunk, be gone for days. Given my Mom has been sober 23 years, exactly when she was pregnant with me, those 18 years later he still did not trust her. My mom was trying to stay sober, and was so sick she could not raise me with complete attention, affection, and love. I put myself in her shoes, with an Ed, if I had a child now, would I be able to fully BE there for them? Will my Ed always be poking at me, trying to pull me away from complete care and love for a child? And to not replace the child as myself, ignoring my needs to stay out my Ed. I would never want to put a child, my child, in this situation.

Balance. I feel that huge urge to be perfect, and I don't even know what perfect is. There is no perfect, but I want there to be. Balance isn't perfect. You can although be mastered in anxiety and depression, with a side of OCD. You can not eat, you can shut yourself out from the world and others. My perfection looks like insanity-doing the same things over, and expecting a different result.

Last night, I slept 15 hours. After taking 3 xanax to calm me down, it did some good. I almost went out, to buy food, lots, eat it, pretend I'm okay with it, then purge it. The pills knocked me out before I could put anymore thought into getting up to go to the store. Not only that, I could actually physically feel what I would feel like if I had binged. I imagined it, and felt this cold, hard, sad rush in my body. That also stopped me too.

My Dad kept my mom and I in our house, to raise me, because he loved us. He still does. When not having trust in a relationship, things obviously can not work. He knew my Mom leaving with me meant many possible different father figures in my life, instability. My Mom was staying to get better, to seek a better relationship with my Dad. When it came down to it there was just to much past damage for it to work.

Mom, if you are reading this, I love you. You are a good person. It isn't any one's fault. As dysfunctional of a family we were, it was there, a family.

My Ed is shaped in many ways; my childhood, self image/self esteem, current thoughts and feelings about these things. I have suffered with every Ed, I have gone a few months without what felt like one-the time I lost all of 50lbs. But it was that foundation that my Ed really flourished on. Anyway that I eat now is dysfunctional. Eating/not eating triggers other parts of my Ed. It's complete madness.

I never wanted this to happen.

Support

2009-01-30T11:53:00.003-05:00

Quick post-

I wanted to send out my support and prayers to E, who I hope we all will hear from soon. We all love you, and are thinking of you.

On that I hope everyone is in a good place today-whether it be mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, etc...take some time today to treat yourself to something enjoyable, we deserve this and more everyday but I find that concept often slips our minds on a daily basis.

Give yourself some self love!

Will This Numbness go Away?

2009-01-28T14:08:00.004-05:00

Didn't have to go into work today, kinda bummed. Not as bummed as I am about the 18" inches of snow we're getting! Is it Spring yet?

Went to therapy, decided I would risk the drive. Honestly I'm glad I chose to. I had a couple of really intense dreams last night, and we discussed them. I was able to correlate the events with the feelings I'm experiencing (or trying to experience, or avoid). Considering I hadn't had a dream in over 3 weeks, I urgently wrote everything about it down when I woke up.

I've noticed in my efforts towards acceptance with things (aka the experience of life) is missing a crucial step. Surrendering. You can't accept and still run around doing, thinking, avoiding the same things, expecting different results (insanity anyone?) I need to stop. Smell the roses. Instead, I get near the rose, bend over about to take a whiff, then book it before enjoying that aroma of nature. Sometimes even if I were to smell the rose, I wouldn't believe I'm really smelling it, or I would totally avoid smelling the rose all together.

Ed doesn't want to surrender. It wants to avoid, avoid, avoid. Not feel. It wants things the same, which means everything else, opportunities, feelings, my life are being held hostage. Deep inside I want to thrive and grow. Ed convinces me I'm better off without those things, because I would fail anyway at trying for that. Failing is not allowed, so do what I am best at-having my Ed.

I WANT to fail. I WANT to feel emotions. I WANT to need. I WANT to learn. I WANT to experience.

Surrender. Accept. Live. Trust.

That's what I want, and I want to FEEL it, and be okay with life as it is, knowing I can handle it, make decisions and mold my life into how I WANT IT.

God please.

My Life Feels Like an Amusement Park

2009-01-27T13:15:00.004-05:00

I'm currently at work so this post may be cut short. These last couple of days have been extremely tiresome in that I'm having major tug of wars with my Ed. How can one stay sane when consistently bashing themselves, and then having to defend that bashing? It's a really stupid seesaw and I'm tired of bashing my ass at both ends.

Eating has been really hard. I find myself mindlessly eating, when not hungry. It's not a binge, but I sense no fullness no matter what. If I feel I might eat too much of that one item, I will throw it out.

It's so frustrating how one moment I can be eating 'normally,' not freaking out about the food and its contents, then the next I feel like nothing should go near my mouth. Then there's the panic of not knowing when to stop eating. Is this really what the rest of my life is going to be like?

It will if I continue to have one foot on each side-on my Ed and my Recovery. My biggest fear that pushes me to eat healthily, intuitively, is that dark dark side of my Ed I don't want again; binging and purging. And my favorite part of my Ed, the anorexia side, makes binging and purging so more seductive. Add to this my self esteem and body image I'm on a real roller coaster. I know emotionally I still want my Ed, and I know logically I want to live my life fully.

I'm pressing forward, doing my best to know that I am going in the right direction and its OKAY to feel like CRAP. I just know I do not want my Ed to be a part of the equation of whether I feel good or not. Picking myself back up from feeling low and worthless (last two days) is hard, but it's in the past.

AHHHHHH

2009-01-23T17:10:00.004-05:00

Since I have been busy, and not being on blogger nearly half as much, I realize how crucial it is for me in recovery.

Bad day yesterday. I woke up feeling as I do everyday, neutral. I decided I felt like eggs (I have been having them added to my breakfast for a while, but some days I don't because I get sick of them.) I scrambled 3 eggs, had my banana, a bowl of puffins cereal with soy milk. Half hour later I have two rice cakes with almond butter. Then sure enough not too long after I had 4 more bowls of cereal with soy milk. Then add two more rice cakes with almond butter.

Eating range from 6:30 to 10:30am. Not a binge, I didn't even feel full! I'm glad there was nothing in the house that was a safe food because it would have been gone. Mentally in my head, I know its okay to crave. I wanted a second bowl of cereal, just try to enjoy this bonus. Two more bowls after that, I totally loathed myself while thinking about everything else I just ate. But I had to eat the last two rice cakes to get rid of the almond butter. Before I even ate all this food, options did strike in my head: "Call someone! Throw it out! You don't need to do this, you aren't even hungry." That consciousness was too faded for me to take action to help myself.

The day sucked totally. I did not eat all day. I went to the gym around 8pm, ran a bit, did weights, and obviously felt faint and nauseous the whole time. I tried to hold it together until my bf and I left. I told him what happened, and he listened. We decided to go to Subway, and I'd at least just have a salad, but no dressing.

I don't know what I'm more mad about; the fact I overate in the morning, or the fact I didn't eat all day? Having more than one eating disorder really scrunches everything together and makes choices even that more difficult, plus adding emotions to that, then I just want to scream.

I am having more good days than bad. Ed thoughts are very active, and I am trying my best to not listen. Accepting there are good and bad days is still mind bending for me, trusting in that emotions/negative thoughts do pass; with time, care, and acceptance. It's not that bad. But when it feels bad, and you wanna crawl out of your skin, it's sometimes hard to keep it together.

Today I'm feeling a little better. I still feel this huge urge to isolate myself from everyone. Now that I'm more social with new friends, have my new job, doing fun things, I feel like I can't trust it. Believe that its real, that it's for me, my choices led me here. Yet when I fuck up I'm never late to come and bash myself in any way possible.

I guess in some ways seeing all this and putting the pieces together seems to be helpful. Halfway that is. Because there still isn't an answer to why. And I know there doesn't have to be one, and that's the hardest thing to accept: uncertainty.

I miss all of you so much, and tomorrow and Sunday I am going to make time to visit every one's blogs and see how you are. I not only need to write about my recovery, but I need to read about others to know I'm not alone, and that there is something beyond Ed thats worth fighting for.

Emotions+Thoughts=Perspective

2009-01-21T20:49:00.004-05:00

I'm only working part time, and I already feel I am super busy. Well, I am, considering before recovery. If I was busy then I probably wouldn't have paid much attention to it. I am enjoying work a lot, have a great manager and coworkers. I am doing my best to not be hard on myself for any kind of mistake that happens, because I know that's a way to learn. Is that why I tend to remember my mistakes more than my achievements???? I sure as hell learned a lot from them. I just never claimed my achievements, but now I am.

I am falling in love. Yes, and its amazing. Sharing emotions with each other with genuine care and openness, not in that they will always understand, but in that they take you as you are. Seeing past the superficial thoughts, emotions, fears, and connecting with another soul. Communication, trust, and respect make love flourish. I believe this is true when it comes to loving oneself as well.

Below are some quotes I feel connection with. Each quote can mean something different for everyone. Connecting through words I see have the most impact on our relationships, and our place in this world.

Clarity
"Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."
"Don’t keep thinking of what happened yesterday and what is going to happen tomorrow. Live in the moment and every situation will seem like the time of your life."
"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."

Creativity
"People are not lazy. They simply have goals that do not inspire them. Remember to follow you heart. What inspires you?"

Confidence
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Decision
"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want."

Emotions
"Happiness for a reason is a form of misery because the reason can be taken away from you at any time. To be happy for no reason is the happiness you want to experience."

Empowerment
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us."
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
"The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it."
"The beautiful thing about learning is that nobody can take that away from you."
"It is our choices…that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
"If we don’t take charge of life’s direction, our life will be controlled by the outside to serve the purpose of some other agency."

Failure
"I can’t give you a surefire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time."
"Remember that life develops what it demands - the toughest path creates the strongest warrior. Pray not for a lighter load, but for stronger shoulders."

Fear
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

Wisdom
"Since everything is a reflection of our minds, everything can be changed by our minds."
"One of the best gifts we can give ourselves is to recognize that we are not our stories, and to becoming aware of when our mind chatter starts telling these stories."

^^I find this last quote extremely powerful. That 'mind chatter' of Eating Disorders IS NOT ME AND IT IS NOT YOU.

Staying True to Oneself

2009-01-19T16:44:00.004-05:00

I feel entirely drained, mentally. This isn't a bad thing, except it comes with a headache. I've been progressing in therapy and really getting into the nitty gritty of all my perceptions, wants, needs, dreams, and how I now feel I am going in the direction I want. Not that I wasn't before, it's more like I did not have a clear vision or the guts to do what I want, instead of pleasing others. Its like, oh I can make decisions? Wow I have a lot of options in life. I can make mistakes, and learn from them, grow into a stronger more experienced being? I can take pride in the things I have done, in that I am loving myself, so that I can also love others, to trust myself so I can trust them? That I don't need to change to be accepted?

I see now that I was living so far out of my body with my ED, a mirror showing such an angry worthless person. Pleasing others and not taking care of myself. So lost in life, I felt a loss of all control, and my ED gave me that feeling of control. Not only that, it was a way for me to not appear to people, be looked over so I would be left alone and not disappoint others. Hoping they would not notice me anymore. It was a brick wall between me and the world. And the only way out was to stay with my ED, the predictable, harmful, repetitive rituals day in and day out. Yes, I believed the smaller I was, that it would be better for everyone. I wanted to be forgotten, because I felt there was nothing about me that was worth remembering.

I am worth remembering, worth being loved. whether at times I will have to dig down deep and know I'm worth a beautiful life, one I can enjoy. Love myself, my imperfections. I would not love someone unless they are true to themselves, so I find it important to be true to myself. Take me as I am. Because I have to also take myself as I am. I wouldn't want someone to change themselves for me, and I'm learning that I do not need to change for others. Whether it be physical, moral, spiritual, emotional, I can't deny my true self for people. Doing this does not protect me from squat. It only denies my full potential of happiness, and limits my ability to make choices for myself.

That's why I love blogging, and reading others blogs. Its real, its people being real. Real with others and most importantly, with themselves. I have taken so much from this experience thus far, in that I can incorporate my feeling and thoughts with confidence out in this world. Life is too short to keep wanting something else. Acceptance of yourself is important, and if others accept you for who you are, then you will be okay. Really. The one's that don't accept you probably do not accept themselves. Once you accept yourself, anything is possible.

What else is Holding me Back?

2009-01-17T18:33:00.003-05:00

Well, jeez its been a long time. Since I've last posted a lot has happened, probably more than I could cover. I am okay. I'm actually really great. I am now in a serious relationship with M, and it's amazing. Everything about us syncs together. We aren't exactly alike, but its this kind of bliss that is so real, I wouldn't even doubt it. He deserves a girl like me, and I deserve a guy like him. Okay I'm done with the mushy stuff (for now).

In therapy with L, I'm getting into what feels like a huge stepping point in recovery. It was one I didn't see. My separation from my Dad as an adult, the pull between me wanting to leave, and him wanting me to stay. Helping me hugely when I am really down or stuck. Yet when I am doing well (like now, things are great), and when I ask for any kind of support, he seems resistant in doing so. I am working on a way to separate myself to be my own human being. It got to the point where I felt I couldn't make any kind of decision without asking my Dad. I really need to know his perspective, so we are figuring out a time when he can be in session with me.

Another realization, is that how much anger drove me to do things in the past. And especially with my ED. The more angry I was the more 'control' I felt. It was my wall to the world. Before my ED, anger drove me to work a lot, go to school full time, do my thing. Around 17, 18, 19 I basically fed off my anger towards my parents to do things, to possible prove myself that I was worthy of attention and love. We were all hostile towards each other. I felt the need to be out of the house. Now at home with Dad and G, its a completely different environment and a house filled with love, and I'm enjoying it. I went through a lot of shit the last two years, but I have learned and grown from it, found myself, and better yet I am loving me for me and standing behind my beliefs and values. I do want to eventually transition out, and I don't want anger to be my motivator.

M is playing me a song on the guitar, so I'm going to watch him=)

Still Alive

2009-01-15T16:04:00.005-05:00

Quick post. I'm currently at work, and just wanted to say I miss everyone!!

I've been super busy with work, financial stuff (yay...), spending time with M, and if I'm lucky, I'm catching up on sleep. I miss reading every ones' blogs, and writing on my own as well. I'm starting to get used to my new schedule of things and will make a time for blogging. This blog, and all of you are very important to me. This support is unlike anything else, and I couldn't explain just how much it means to me.

Love you all! (posting tonight hopefully, details included)

Update: I'm so frickin tired I don't think I could write straight, plus I have sooo much to say. Tomorrow I'm out at 1pm thankfully! Changed my two weekly therapy sessions to Monday and Wednesday, which will balance my week out better=)

Stay strong!

Anxiety, OCD, Goals

2009-01-09T17:39:00.007-05:00

Anxieties that bring out my OCD

Being Looked at
Anxiety: In public mostly, just in general any eyes that meet mine my brain freezes and thinks "are they judging what I look like?" I have come to see that I think this, because I look at every body I see and compare it to mine. I somehow think entire population does this.
OCD:Where's a mirror? Is there one in the store I can check, am I walking funny? Is my hair messed up? Its like I need that mirror to reassure I'm actually there. I need a mirror! Quick gotta find one. I need to check, make sure my face hasn't combusted. And that I look presentable. Go figure. Brings a whole knew meaning to thinking only the self absorbed stare at themselves in mirrors.
Goal: Smile. Then I know there's at least a reason why they are looking. JK! I need to let go of thinking that eyes are not always prying on me and judging.

Accomplishments
Anxiety: Feeling that I'm never doing enough, and its never good enough. Whether what I accomplish academically, personally, mentally, socially, emotionally, spiritually, um...cleaning? It never feels good enough. It is difficult for me to reflect on my past and see how much I have really accomplished. I often compare others' accomplishments to mine, in that I think I did squat and am a failure. I think I'm Invisible Super Woman thus far.
OCD: Mind will race, I bash myself, feel ashamed, think about my failures and rub them in my face.Ed joins in too. Cause, ya know, loosing weight is the next PhD...
Goal: Unconsciously living my day. Not putting a lot of thought into such basic activities that I somehow can find a way to get anxious over. Being able to look back and be content with my day and how I spent it.

Social Life

Anxiety: People. Okay this is vague and complex. Its mostly how they perceive me. Part of me doesn't give a damn, and the other just wants to friggin know all your thoughts so I can live up to your expectations. I sway between these often being blunt or not expressing how I really feel.
OCD: So many, depending on my mood. I twirl my hair (left handed, have since I was 2), I've started a bad one of picking at my head. I'll also tweeze my eyebrows, trying to get every minuscule hair (always starting with my left eyebrow). I wash my hands before and after using the bathroom, even at home. I brush my teeth, always spitting twice. I shower in specific order.Depending on my anxiety many things could arise. These behaviors can sometimes annoy me and I feel in this invisible box with no other ways, (cause to me there are no other options)and my anxiety heightens even more.
Goal: Work on giving myself more choices. Thinking outside the box (Ha ha no pun intended).Knowing that my choices influence my life, but as long as I'm doing what's best for me, it's never going to be "wrong."

Choices

Anxiety: The future. Ah, yes. I have actually worked quite hard on this issue. I will be straight out and say if I were not on medication it would have not been possible. I need constant stability, scheduling, and predictability. Being unsure over things is not comfortable, unless I know ahead of time it's something good (presents are nice.)
OCD: There's not much of one now. I dive head first into things. My Ed was the King of all choices, inside and outside of body, rules, regulations, restrictions. I can handle unpredictability now. I see it as a huge opening into possibilities that I can CHOOSE when the TIME is right for ME. I can ask for help, I can say jeez I hate asking for help, but I ask. Not knowing when I'll have my own house, husband, if I go back to school etc. does not phase me now (It's all in God's hands). I still dream and care, but accept things will turn out as time goes. Planning all the time takes away living. Literally. Because as if I get where I want to 'be' I'll already be way ahead thinking of where I want to be instead. Acceptance! In limiting my imagination to my future I see everything in black and white. Either this way or that way. Only. That's how I felt it was going to be. I felt less anxiety in the since that it felt predictable, but miserable because, well, its frankly depressing.
Goal: Do, choose, try, learn, love, & make mistakes. I can see mistakes as a guiding point into the direction I ultimately want; to feel at peace internally (and externally.) This needs to always be in constant motion. Its all in perception baby.

I am not Invisible Anti-Social Can't Make Mistakes Super Woman anymore.

I Plan to Not Plan.

Pulling Through

2009-01-07T20:37:00.004-05:00

Okay, lets see if I can wrap my head around the last two days events.

1. I'm feeling a lot better, being able to focus on the good in my life.

2. Slept through the WHOLE night last night, plus a 2 hour nap before work this afternoon

3. Told Z I didn't want the kind of relationship we were having. I'm done pleasing others.

4. Got asked out on a date with M for Saturday =)X100 I'm going to hang out with him tomorrow night as well.

5. In reference to number 2, I saw my psychiatrist and things went well. My anxiety and stress is identical as to what I was feeling before I went on meds, so I was upped to 80mg on Prozac. She also prescribed me Xanax, 0.25, which I took two before bed. I only think I need 1 because I was still sleepy in the morning. I can only really take it at night as it does make me so tired, unless I'm really strung and freaking out.

Other than that I'm doing my best to not get worked up on pointless things. My mind can easily focus on a minute thing and expand it, enlarge it, and it becomes too intense. Its really a habit I need to break, and by this I need to have more options when it comes to choices. I'm usually thinking in black or white (When not recovered, it was either eat everything in sight, or not eat at all.) I seem to give myself only two choices when it comes to everything. I can't see all my possible options. My brain is trained for the immediate-bad or good, yes or no, left or right. No maybes, or perhaps, or if I feel like its. This is something I need to work on to go further with recovery.

I'm going to, hopefully, on Friday, post out all my "anxieties" and list 5 possible choices for each. Not that I will choose one immediately, but to know that they are there and I have TIME to deal with them. The more I force myself to make a quick only-two option choice, that is when it intensifies. I don't want to make the wrong choice. But there is no 'wrong choice.' Its MY CHOICE. I forget a lot that I actually run my life and can decide what to do with it and how to live. My mind and body are very disconnected and I need to work on this.

A huge point I came to in therapy with L yesterday was that when I'm straight out not comfortable in my body, everything becomes a trigger for my anxiety, and in that I use my Ed to fix it, or deal, which in every case makes it worse. (Almost as there is a black and white choice for things, and if I can't make up my mind I choose my Ed.) I feel I need to fix what is wrong on the outside before I can deal with anything else effectively.

I also fear new activities/things, as if I were to do them it would need to be a consistent act in my schedule, and if I were to not do it everyday, then I'm a total mess. (Like my repeating breakfast). This really reeves my OCD which my Ed feeds on hardcore. Then there's me, Sarah in the corner, going "Both of you shut the fuck up and let me live!!!!"

Today was a positive day. I am bummed I do not have time to read blogs lately, but I hope everyone is doing well and staying strong. I care deeply for you all, whether I read your blog or you read mine. Keep on living, cause when you do, you're winning.

<3

Insomnia SUCKS

2009-01-05T18:03:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling quite insane now. No amount of advil and sleep is aliviating this headache. Adding the insomnia to it, I feel like crying in frustration (which I already have).

I'm looking forward to my appointment tomorrow with my psychiatrist L. Today it felt like one big panic attack. Everything I could think that might be wrong, I imagined it so, and got stuck in those thoughts. It's so hard to dig yourself out of these emotions, yet I want to so bad, so why can't I? I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way. I'm so fucking sick of worrying, being afraid, and always limiting my ability of thinking to try new things. This is insanity.

I can't even focus to read over things I want to, that are a guide to me for work. I'm dragging myself once again to do laundry. I just want to lay my head down. This would be okay if I could lay my head down for the appropriate time! (7 hours straight preferably)

I want to know exactly why I feel this way all the time. Why am I like this? What's wrong with me? I want to figure it out! I can't fake it, yet I don't want to walk around a scrooge. How do I handle having "egh" moods? Why are these "egh" moods so scary and threatening? It seems the more I fight them, the worse I feel.

I think too fucking much. Don't mind this post...

Confessions

2009-01-04T19:14:00.006-05:00

**This post could be very triggering in that it's very raw and emotional**

I've been wanting to post about this for a while, and really feel like I need to get it out. I have not told a soul about these feelings, I think, because I'm trying to deny them because it feels so awful.

Last post I talked about my fear of my bulimia. When I started throwing up, it was only after binging (reward for being at my lowest weight), other than that I ate very little. But I, like a lot of people do, gained weight from this over time, not lost. I was to say the least pissed, in that I discovered this new addiction I liked and despised at the same time, but it made me maintain/gain weight. It made that option to binge even more tempting, my body craved it. I had been severely restricting before purging so my body was wanting to gorge on mass amounts, even when I wasn't the least bit hungry. I was 'filling' something inside of me that I didn't know how to, which scared the ever living shit out of me. I felt insane.

When restricting, I was to say extremely bitter, numb and angry. But food was in my 'control.' The first time I binged, I had not planned to purge, as all my life I've had a phobia of throwing up. I ate so much, but could not finish all I had bought. This pissed me off. I got so full it hurt to breath, my heart was racing uncontrollably and I started to panic. I was crying, and I knew laxatives wouldn't get it all out soon enough. So desperate, I tried so hard to gag and throw up, it worked. I had an extreme rush, an "Omg I just did that." with a sick satisfaction. Two minutes later I was bawling again and then thought "Omg I did THAT! SHIT! I'm out of control." I immediately thought okay, I won't do it again. I felt so ashamed. I knew how bad bulimia is, in that I had a friend in High School who fell into it, loosing 40lbs, and now is around 95lbs today. She though, can vomit with just bending over and letting it fall out (she initially purged everything she ate.) I'm actually very blessed it did not come that easy to me. God I really am. So strange in that while in school, I was her only friend, felt extremely bad for her, and thought how sad it was, and how sickly she appeared. Bruises up and down her legs, chest bone out further than her boobs. I wanted to save her. I developed my Ed 3 years later. She knows about it. She wants to end but is addicted, and I'm sure scared as hell to be without it.

Time went on and I was binging and purging more often. I would cancel massage clients to leave and binge. After purging I would need to sleep for at least 8 hours. My head was a fuzz. Always the same thoughts, "That is the last time, I swear." So every time after that I felt even more a failure in going back to it, because I could not keep that promise to myself. I felt more than terrible, weak, and despicable. I felt I was wearing a sign that said 'I throw up my food.'

My huge shame is that, once my Ed paralyzed me so much, that I was in bed crying at my apartment, calling my dad, telling him that I did not know what to do anymore, didn't know how to live. He came over and I told him I needed to go to the hospital, I think. Am I really that bad? I need to suck it up. No I'm going to kill myself if I don't do this. I am so embarrassed to say, if the bulimia had been making me loose weight, I really don't think I would have broke down and sent myself to the hospital...the bulimia made me feel out of control and hopeless. Anorexia felt powerful, yet I was lonely, miserable and angry. But I was 'skinny.' Felt skinny, wanted to get more skinny. Bulimia went against this, and I knew going into in patient would stabilize my weight. How sad is that? Going to the hospital so you don't GAIN any more weight?!!?

The hospital was the best thing for me, in that it did regulate my eating. Let me focus on my emotional state, got me closer to my family, gave me hope. I got my life back.

I know what set my mind to binging the other day. I couple days back I was curious to weigh myself, and did not expect such a low number to appear. It felt good. Thing is, prior to recovery if I weighed myself and was at an 'okay' number, it was like permission for me to binge/purge. Almost like "Well don't get too skinny! You can afford it this one time, it will be fun." That's how messed Eds are. Anything to get that feeling, even knowing the outcome is horrendous. I really tried my damn hardest to stop the bulimia only once I realized I wasn't loosing weight. Seeing that low number clicked something off in my head. Possibilities. From that, I'm doing my best to carry on, eat, stay away from the scale. That day, unintentionally, I gave the power to the scale to tell me how I felt. It told me, damn nice, better keep eating the way you are, minus some, than you can get even smaller! How exciting is that! You felt great all around before you knew that number, why not loose some more? It couldn't do any harm.

For all to know, I am okay. No restricting/binging/purging. Just these very active thoughts and my shameful (to me) confession. I hadn't felt more selfish in my Ed when I decided to put myself in the hospital. Shameful that if I had stayed skinny and gotten more thin I would have continued on. That I'm entertaining the thought of how great anorexia would feel again.

Woody Interview

2009-01-04T10:07:00.004-05:00

If you are looking for a good laugh, watch video above!

I will edit this post later when the second half is loaded.

**This is my uncle, he and my cousin made this a while back. She uncovered it during the Christmas Party and we all lost it laughing. My brother formatted it so now it is on YouTube. Yes my uncle knows its online now! HAHA.**

Standing in the Middle

2009-01-03T21:05:00.004-05:00

I've got to admit I'm in a psychical state I rather can't stand to sit with. My dad made my favorite, hot wings (the only farm animal I will eat that's not free range/organic) It goes way back, in that wings are my dad's specialty and he makes them about twice a year. I had no problem endulging and enjoying, the fact that it's been 4 hours later and I feel that pressure of fullness in my gut still, that I never have after eating. It wasn't even close to a binge. I always due my bes to intuitively eat, so I usually never get uncomfortably full. It's safe. This time I can really feel my stomach is full, not exessive, but enough for me to notice and not like. Enough for my Ed to speak it's deceptable options.

My Ed feels two ways about this;

1. Well just eat more tonight it doesn't matter, you ruined it. Your stomach already feels huge, so while it does, make the most of it. You really should go into the kitchen and dispose of those chocolate chips you like to nibble at time to time. If you don't now, you'll end up gorging the whole bag soon enough. You deserve to feel even worse than you do now.

2. Suck it up, move on and do something. You are obviously full, so you do not need to eat anything. You have every right to enduldge and enjoy here and there, and it does not have to be in extremes.

So in conclusion to number 1:

I would binge/purge

Feel guilty for days

Later could use it as an excuse to do it again, then cycle starts again.

So I say:

"No I'm not going to do that, I have been able to manage my food/snacks well, for the first time in years. I wanted wings, had them, am obviously satisfied. Why ruin that? I will not create further fears of what those wings could/will/are doing to me. Just because they are not a particularly 'safe' food doesn't mean I need to eat a whole fucking candy shop worth of junk. I see doing would be a way to validate that those wings will make me feel fat and guilty, so why set that feeling in stone, and really go all out? Make sure I really feel bad for enjoying food. It may be control, but it's not. It will set me in a cycle to do it over and over. It's Ed taking over me. Fuck all that."

I choose number 2:

"I'm trying my best to feel good about the fact I ate what I wanted, didn't go overboard, and now, am making that critical choice not to sabatoge my work by going back to my old food habits (EX:I might have ate too much, I'm not sure...better eat more cause I feel shitty already). I'm not hungry or painfully full, and it's okay to be in the middle, to physically feel full. It's only scary because of my past history with eating and food. I'm done giving food power over me. Living a fulfilling life is not about my body's appearance."

I pray that I can rest peacefully, sleep the whole night (woke last night 1am...) Tomorrow I really want to write about my tug of war in my recovery, with more of a fear of my bulimia, and no fear of my anorexia, coming to surface. And the fact of managing my orthorexia, in a rationally healthy way.

Quicksand

2009-01-02T21:01:00.010-05:00

Looking back in an objective view I can see how much I can get stuck and sink into negative thinking and thoughts about myself, and my life. To deal, my OCD comes to surface, which actually sinks me in deeper. It's a whole anxiety--->ocd to cope--->fear of mistakes--->anxiety. I'm going in circles, digging and sinking my way deeper in a pit.

Now at times when I'm enjoying myself, I find it hard to believe I got so wrapped up in my emotions about something, how I felt like it was something terminal, horrible, unstoppable. I think this goes back to the vulnerability. My mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out what I did wrong to feel this way. Is my wanting to be happy all the time setting me up for disappointment? I actually don't think so. I believe when it comes down to when I'm not happy about something, I find a way to deal, accept, change it if need be, and move on. Slowly, carefully, and gently walk through the muck and realize I do not need to stand in it, struggle, and sink deeper. This only keeps me there.

Today at work was pretty busy. It felt like a blur when we had the three of us working, and around noon I would say over 7 customers came in at once. Working at a cell phone store, selling plans, phones, managing accounts, customer service. At times you might be with a customer upwards to an hour. I worked an extra 1 1/2 hours, on my decision so the other two wouldn't be so slammed.

And if you are wondering, yes, I woke up in the middle of the night again. 3am, read for a bit, fell back to sleep around 4, then up at 7 to get ready for work. I did call my psychiatrist to let her know what was up, wondering what would be causing this. She believes it would not be my medications, since I have been on them for a while now, and would have already had them. I'm feeling it might be the excitement/anticipation/unpredictability of my life now. Kind of manic, like now I can't slow down or everything will crash. But I keep in mind, I'm okay, it's okay. I can feel emotions, it's not wrong. Though, at these times I feel stuck, and when I'm over the situation, I fear those feelings coming again even more.

I went through old documents, a month or two before I went into the hospital, of exercises I did on my own to "cure" myself of my Ed. Not that it makes them any less significant, because they were. But I was alone, and I could not do it alone. Here is a letter I wrote to my body:

Hey Body,

Its been one big roller coaster with you. I've been stuck with you for 21 years and I’m now realizing how to operate you in the appropriate, self loving, and kind way that I should be. I mess up still sometimes but I’m doing better. I've overfed you, left scars on you, starved you, ignored you, and took way too much damn time obsessing over you, and probably over expose you to the sun at times. I've wanted and tried to give up on you.But you are still here, and never have you given up on me.

You're there to physically show me what I'm going through, to let me feel my every action I choose to take. I make you not feel good on purpose, and its starting to take a toll on my soul. I’ve not been fair to you, and you deserve better, as we won't be parting from each other for quite some time, its the least you deserve. I’ve begun to heal you, but you are only part of me and fixing this part of me does not change what’s inside. I need to stop abusing you, stop confusing you and stop trying to escape you. I want to love you but some days find it so hard and difficult that I decide to sabotage you and think that it will make it better. I end up weak, shook up, and too tired to move after hurting you. You hate going through it. You know there are better and positive ways to recognize and deal with the pain of the past, present, and future anxieties, then to hurt you just to escape them for a moment.

You are beautiful and I want you to stay beautiful. Today you are worthy, and from now on you must be. You are strong, faithful, beautiful and alive. I'll carry you with pride and grace and I won't be afraid to look you in the face and say I love you.

Anxiety

2009-01-01T20:37:00.004-05:00

I'm now seeing that a big part of recovery I'm struggling with is the self acceptance, and the ability to give and receive trust from others. Whether intentional or not, I don't completely open up, thus me not being able to accept trust from others. I might not trust my own judgements/feelings about them, so how do I begin to trust them? It's like-I know I'm always honest, believe in karma, and don't ever try to hurt someone or lie. I just can't, it doesn't sit well with me. It feels like I'm paranoid to accept the love and trust from others. If I open up, I'm vulnerable...and when I open up, I tend to cling. I could easily be lied to, and feel stupid, be played a fool, its a fear I have had for a long time. It's hard for me to set boundaries, because I want others to be happy and enjoy being with me. So when there is one upset it puts me in the "They probably always thought this that and the other" or "I bet they were planning that all along." I'll try to fathom up past situations to see where I went wrong by trusting them. I assume the worst. Take it way too personally, and try to blame myself for things, so ultimately it was me that did it. As long as I think it's my fault I don't have to figure out what the real reason might be. Not good.

Now the above mostly pertains to intimate relationships. I do not have a boyfriend, and at times I feel I never ever want one. That would be the most vulnerable state ever for me, what would happen to me? This is a huge fear. Trusting the other sex.

As my second therapist K said, it's easier for me to keep myself down all the time than for me to balance my emotions, the regular ups and downs. If everything is fine and dandy, I feel the need to find something wrong, even the littlest things. This is with life in general. Now these feelings are not so strong , but they are still active in my mind and carried out unintentionally when I'm anxious, and the issue is me being able to recognize it before I put myself in a whirlwind of horrendous ideas. Bad habits die hard. Very contradicting in the fact that I try my hardest to be a perfectionist, yet when things are starting to feel that way I panic, because "it's still not good enough."

Could this explain the insomnia lately? Possibly. I did just start a new job, have been having more happy days than bad, taking one day at a time and being patient with myself. The anxiety is very physical, as I'm shaking my legs more often, feel my heart racing, am dizzy, cannot focus, and for the past three days I've been having tremors in my jaw and shoulders, particularly when I'm trying to fall asleep. I'm used to having my finger twitch at times, but my jaw and shoulders? Ah and the headaches. I will follow Melissa's advice and consult with a doctor.

Ignoring these feelings will do me no good.

New Year!

2009-01-01T15:14:00.004-05:00

I'm having a crazy ass headache right now. I'm dizzy, and tired. I spent last night at my brother's and sister in law's house. I went to sleep around 10:30pm, and woke up on my own at 12am! Fell back asleep at 2:30am after reading, woke again at 4am, then 7am. Initially in the morning I will not feel the affects, until later in the day I just want to pass out.

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year! I am looking forward to this year, with no resolutions, only to have patients and understanding with myself. The only time is now. I need to push away the thought of "when I do this I will be fine." Cause even if I did accomplish that goal, I'd add more and more to the list, and it would never stop, therefore I would never be satisfied. This is definitely an old behavior with my Ed ("Once I loose weight I'll be happy"), which I'm sure we all can relate to. Resolutions are not horrible, but I believe it needs to be more of an internal process, and not a focus on change in appearance, which is non stop talked about for the New Year. Also I believe in mini resolutions, ones that may occur everyday unplanned. Why wait till next year to do something for yourself??

There is no time line to accomplishing things in life.

Yet Again

2008-12-31T05:42:00.004-05:00

I get home from work, do things that need to be done, feel relatively tired (I have been up since 3:30am.) I am in my bed by 9pm, read a bit, then go to sleep. I wake at not 3:30, not 3, not 2:30, but 2 freakin am!!! I'm so awake but too exhausted to care that it's constantly happening night after night. I am not feeling depressed, nor anxious. Am I so friggin happy that I want to be up and have a whole long day to bask in? Maybe, but I'd rather sleep!

I am going to double verify to see exactly what my side effects of my medications are. Weird thing is, I've been on them for about 5 months, and just now experiencing them? Whilst this time of lack of sleep, I am also getting headaches often, which I never had before, and I have a stomach ache in the evening time. Everyday. WTF?

Thankfully I'm still a happy camper, but the 'need to know everything and why' mentality of my personality wants answers, pronto. I don't like not knowing things. I kind of see this as not liking to be vulnerable, actually that is exactly how I feel. I find that triggers a lot of my anxiety, the not knowing.

I had a great great session with K the other day. We were very in depth, and I very much like her therapy style, she opens up new ways of seeing past my behaviors, getting down to the thought process step by step ultimately resulting in how I ultimately show a certain emotion/feeling. I also dropped by Borders, and picked up Wasted that I ordered. I'm not that far in and already I'm hooked. She has a way of writing that is so blunt and honest. Things in my head never said to anyone, sometimes not even my therapist. Not on purpose, just things I have forgotten about how my Ed made me think/act. It's amazing that I accepted some of the traits/actions/behaviors as my own, when really it was what my Ed did to stay alive. Boy I was more fooled than I thought.

Love to everyone!

Not Cool

2008-12-30T06:28:00.004-05:00

I'm pretty flustered. It's been a little over a week and each night I am consistently waking between the hours of 2 and 4am. I wake as though I'm fully rested and in my mind think it has to be 7am. I know I am wrong straight off when outside it is still pitch black. Rawr. Usually I get up, walk around, might use the bathroom, drink some water, then lay down and pass right out. Not today. I have been awake since 3:30am. Considering even if I pass back out, I tire in the day easier and much earlier. So I don't know what to expect today.

I've got therapy at 11:00 with a different therapist, since mine is on vacation. I have seen this therapist, K, and shes great. It will be an hour and a half since it is my only session this week. I've got work at 1:30-7pm. I know I want to leave early this morningto get groceries at Whole Foods, pick up sushi for lunch, and browse at their diary free dark chocolate chips (handful make a great snack when cravings hit).

With this extra time I'll be able to finish my laundry, and not feel so rushed. Well, more like my slowness won't matter lol.

Chasing Images

2008-12-29T20:46:00.000-05:00

Doll Face
by LesInsoumis

What it's All About

2008-12-29T15:29:00.003-05:00

I miss posting everyday, I always look forward to it. Now a days I'm so wrapped up in doing things, and when I'm not I'm trying to figure out if I need to do something else haha. It's much nicer staying constantly busy, with down time vs. wanting to do nothing and being down all the time. I'm accepting that everything cannot be done in a day, and just starting is better than not starting at all.

Today I had a fear food. This food I used to binge on (plus a lot of other foods) when I worked at a natural food store (thought working there would help me cure my Ed! HA!). I bought a cookie! Yes, it's gluten and diary free, had a buttload of protein in it, but it was scary. My Ed tested me by saying "If you buy one today, you'll have one everyday, and gain weight!" I fought it off and said fuck it. I wanted a chocolate chip cookie. I love that the natural food store in town (not one I worked at) sells them individually. All organic too, so it sits in my mind better. I even ate it before my salad. I'm pretty sure that one cookie is not making my ass look huge;)

On that note I'm doing fairly well on the orthorexia end of it. I used to not consume any meat, but now eat fish and seafood only, plus venison. I was fully vegan for 6 months, which set me deeper into my Ed, fearing all foods not in my "diet" (uhh so anything not a veggie, fruit, or nut). I won't go back to domesticated cow, pig, or chicken. I am yet to try free range, I do know of local farmers who raise their herds ethically. Those videos on PETA really shook me up.

Not everything I eat is organic now. I just try to stay as natural as possible, and I know this is my core principal because it makes me feel well, and I seem to not be as disturbed by food/body thoughts. Yes I still stick to only certain foods, but the list is so much bigger. I am also not denying my cravings (cookie!) but not sabotaging myself by eating 50 of them to punish myself for wanting them. Binging on food will only make you hate that food for a short time. Binging does not stop binging. I thought I could stop b/p by just binging on what I want and not getting rid of it, so the cravings would stop. SOO a bad idea. Shortly after this time is when I went into the hospital. I had no other "tools" to cure myself. I believed I was the only one that could stop my Ed, in theory that is true, but I needed to accept the help, and accept my feelings.

"Full recovery is not just weight and ending purging - it is living peacefully in one's mind again."-Eating With Your Anorexic

Can I get an Amen?

A Day Late

2008-12-27T19:09:00.004-05:00

This post comes a day late, as yesterday I fell asleep till 1pm, then cleaned the house, and visited my friend H, and went to Z's house for the night. I'm going to gather my thoughts as best as I can, as I felt I wanted to post about this issue on Thursday, from my latest therapy session.

I've been seeing L since March of 2008, when my anorexia/orthorexia turned into bulimia (vomiting). I came in as thinking it would never stop, but gain the control of it and live a happy life, without letting go of my Ed behaviors. I felt there was no way to 'fix' me and I would always be miserable. At least a couple months worth of sessions were filled with many tears, and barrel loads of tissues. Tears built up from years of not crying. I might even say I felt worse going into therapy, but I stuck it through knowing that I deserved better, even though I was emotionally numb.

I came out of the Hospital (inpatient) in mid August, and continued seeing L twice a week, plus my new psychiatrist which I saw first before going into the hospital. I had followed my meal plan exactly for 2 months, then went on my own to decide (with my T) what and when to eat-as long as I held myself responsible, no purging or restricting allowed. And since being out I haven't. 5 months and going! More importantly to me is not the chance of relapsing (although the fear is terrifying), it is more of being able to apply my new skills, and reach out for help if needed when I become triggered. As long as I can get back up if I fall, it's okay.

Nowadays I come into therapy with really nothing to talk about. There is no one thing that is upsetting or bothering me now. When something comes up in life, I accept it or speak up and change it/change my feelings about it. It is kind of awkward smiling all throughout my sessions.

I began to talk about how I blog online, and have a network of friends that are a great support (I had told her a couple weeks prior about me blogging). I brought up the issue of me feeling at times, almost too recovered to focus on, well recovery. Still in my mind though there are so many scary thoughts of Ed just coming and taking over, like a demon. It's almost as I'm on a fine line of another place I've never been, only intimidated by the unknown fears on the other side (which is life). Yet I can see the other side as well. That dark, hateful, miserable place I felt trapped in, and the only way out-or to stay in for that matter, I believed was through Ed. That side is most definitely far away, not appealing, and I feel a huge power over being able to see that and choose otherwise. Before I did know the consequences most times with my Ed, but the Ed always won, because there was "no other way" in my mind. There was no other way, because I didn't know of it. I had to be open to the idea of life without body obsession. To recover from my Ed, I had to recognize it was not my physical self I hated, it was the internal self I could not stand to be with. Once I became comfortable in my mind, my body began to follow as well.

My issue here is, I do not want to make it appear as recovery is easy. It's not. I feel even though I've had my Ed (excluding compulsive overeating) for almost 3 years, that I am almost feeling too good too soon? Or that my posts are usually always uplifting and positive. I feel in a way guilty for being happy when others might not be. I do recognize I do this in my life with others.

But happiness is what I want, to feel a complete peace with myself now that I couldn't even remember I had ever felt. I did this. Every step was a choice. Why deny these feelings?

Then I know that I love reading every one's blogs, and especially on the issue of any weight acceptance. I am hugely against the media degrading woman, and now targeting young girls. I have had great feedback from all of you, and how my posts have inspired you or just made you smile. I love that I have such a good support that is always there.

I am in no way going to stop blogging=) I feel like I am in a strange category-not recovered but not in my eating disorder. I'm very observant to see that my eating choices/habits are extremely OCD, and have nothing to do with me wanting to loose weight. I honestly don't want to loose weight, and I've accepted that it's perfectly okay to feel this way! For once in my life I feel no need to change my physical appearance. It's about fucking time I enjoyed it.

Do any of you feel like you're in the same boat?

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-26T08:19:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas, or whichever holiday you may celebrate. This will be a short post, as I am going to eat breakfast soon. Later this morning I wanted to post about something that has been on my mind for a while, and would really appreciate some feedback on my thoughts. Till then, love you all!

Reflections

2008-12-22T07:33:00.005-05:00

We so got a crap load of snow. I'm going to have a ball shoveling my car a good path to drive out of my driveway. I cannot believe how close it is to Christmas. Or even the fact that this year has gone by so fast. At this time last year G and my Dad had just started seeing each other.By then I was completely drenched in my ed, severely restricting myself and in a complete depression. By February I started binging and purging. I was so emotionally shut down and lost. G was the first person I told about my purging, and the first time she knew about my Ed all together. I love her so much, but yet her entering our lives triggered my anxiety so much. I knew I was scared of having someone new in our lives, our home. From my experience with my mom, I felt any woman that came in would be like her and find me to be problem, and unwanted. Through my Ed, G has never once has not been there for me. I have so much trust in her. So much I see that I can be honest about everything, to anyone, because G has proven to me that I need to take care of myself, and not ignore my emotions or deny my pain. Someone will always be there for me, no matter how bad I feel. It's almost like I was testing a complete stranger, seeing if they really gave a shit about me. I tested my mother all the time (in very rebellious ways though) and she never was concerned about my underlying feelings. I gave up on trust and believing others wanted to care about me. If my mom couldn't, how could anyone else?

I can clearly remember at the hospital, at the end of inpatient, my Dad, G and brother came in for a meeting with me and my hospital therapist. I still think of all that was said by everyone, how loved I felt (yet guilty I could not really process/take it all in at the time). I can see G's face and how she was trying to hold back her tears, and how she told me that she feels blessed being in my family's lives. How I had actually helped her see things in another light, something that gave her more strength to understand her daughters and what they may be going through. I saw how someone new in my life had come to love me so much.

I look back at this past year and see the worst and best year I have ever lived. I feel I've gone through this tremendous transition, in reality not in a long period of time, but has felt like it was never going to end. It is unbelievable how much fear can literally traumatize you, almost into a state of shock, always on high alert. Feeling no way out. My heart breaks when I read/see people's struggles still with binging, purging, restricting. I'm torn in a sense of wanting to cry because I can feel their pain as if it was my own, and at the same time can't believe I ever had felt and done those things. Relating to their struggles I find it sobering to know I have worked my way out of that misery, but can still look back and not deny nor dismiss what I went though. At the same time I just want to hand them over all the right tools to lift them out of that torture and fear. It feels unfair that I have come this far in recovery and that I can't magically give recovery to others. Because I know with Ed's, the person needs to choose recovery. Choosing recovery means choosing uncertainty. And that is just as scary and traumatizing as living with the Ed as well, except in recovery those feelings do pass. They really do.

Happy 22nd Sarah!

2008-12-20T08:51:00.004-05:00

Wow, I'm in amazement that I turn 22 today. I know that obviously I am getting older, but it feels like yesterday I was just 17. Guess it's still good I feel young right?? It feels quite odd to say I'm 22...I don't look it or feel it. But I'm celebrating non the less.

Had another good day at work yesterday. Great work atmosphere. I'm the only girl, we have the boss A, who's 25, M who's 27, and I forgot the guys name, but he's gotta be in his late 30's. He is exactly as what M said he would appear-acts exactly as George Costanza, and looks like Newman. No shitting you.

So today we're getting a Christmas tree. We tried a little earlier, but the place we went to down the road said "closed for the season.' Apparently they don't like procrastinators. We're planning on getting one when we're out in Scarborough. We're leaving soon to go to my brunch at Stone Dog Cafe=) Sooo love that place. Around 4 we need to be at my uncles for a Christmas/My Birthday Party. Around 7 I'll leave to my sis E's house, and we're going out clubbing (to the BYOB-Bring your own beer, which you really do.) I'll crash at her place.

The other night, Wednesday, we went out to dinner to a little restaurant. I had HOT WINGS and FRENCH FRIES. Holy shizzle. I didn't die, nor did I feel bad!! I didn't feel I had to go home and punish myself with more amounts of food either. Felt fucking nice I'll tell you what. I've been enjoying myself more than ever. I'm getting less afraid to eat my fear food (I still do no diary/gluten due to my PCOS) and don't eat pork or beef, basically I'm still a health fanatic, but let myself eat things I wouldn't before-corn chips, potatoes, rice, etc. I've expanded beyond my fruits and vegetables!

I hope everyone is doing alright!! I wish everyone a good holiday and pray that we all can make the best of our situation. Love to you all<3

Overstimulation Can Be Filtered

2008-12-17T20:56:00.004-05:00

^I got this sexy beast today^

I'm in this place now in recovery where, there is so much going on, so many new things I'm doing in my life, that *gasp* I can't magically keep automated in depth thought process on. It's mentally impossible. Solution? I answered it, I just don't need to do it. Add to that relaxation so I can process two or three at the time, and one of them might be totally out of my hands ("Are you looking to buy a cell phone plan today?")

Along with this is a bonus, sort of. Being busy and active with so much to do, coming home wanting to be with family, catch up, have me time, and do my needed chores, etc...makes me realize how long it's been since I've been living Yes, really. Bad thing is, I don't pay any attention to food.

I am going by my senses, and eat when I'm hungry, but it seems I'm just not hungry. BUT I need to eat. If I realize its about time to have lunch, but I'm not hungry, I'll test myself by saying, "Well if you don't eat that for lunch will you feel bad later?" Yup. So I eat. I know the outcome of my actions well enough not to fall down the same hole again (intentionally). I also know physically when I need food when I can't think clearly. I'm in a maintenance mode, and I need to accept that it's okay to be here. I've replaced my Ed voice with a little coach that sticks up for me and cheers. I don't need to "change" physically. Not even to please my cynical mind. Optimism is kicking you out bitch.

I am proud though, that I've been having a pretty hardy breakfast lately. On top of my Banana and Oatmeal w/Blueberries, I also eat 2 over easy eggs, and have coffee with about 4oz of soy milk. That really holds me over well, without feeling stuffed. I do take my time though, at least a half hour to forty five minutes to eat slowly so I don't get that kick in the stomach.

I just need to watch myself at work, and while I'm at home keep myself busy, because those thoughts like to creep in when there are pauses in my activeness. I feel good though about how far I've come. I can say it.

Even Better Than Anticipated!

2008-12-16T22:57:00.005-05:00

Yes, I made it through my first day at my new job. And yes, I didn't completely hyperventilate and pass out. It was actually, dare I say, AWESOME. My boss, who's 25 is nice, real, funny, and is super thorough when explaining things. I mean thorough in like step by step-that's how I operate (can we say perfectionism??) He says that's a great quility to have for this job. I told him flat out I'm a perfectionist too, he seemed to be impressed by it. So my being accurate and detail oriented will pay off in a positive way. Asking questions is very important, about anything, he liked how I was assertive in understanding things. On top of that he was impressed with my computer and cell phone knowledge, as well as how I interacted with the customers even though I was only shawdowing him.

And apparently we have telecommunication because at least four different times we said the same thing about whatever we were looking over/talking about. I'll be spending 98% of my time on the computer, with a datebase that is complicated, but its like riding a bike. Once you do it enough you don't really think about it. It feels so good to be around people I have things in common with!

I told on myself tonight, to G that I didn't think I ate enough. I told her what I had all day and she said it definately wasn't enough. So I cooked myself a bit of venison, after I had an orange and a third of my soy protein drink. I'm noticing working there is taking a lot of attention away from me even thinking of eating, I don't know if this is bad? It feels good to not have that urge to obsess over my body and food. Tomorrow is a 10 to 4 shift. I'll make sure I pack lunch and a snack at least. Remembering to eat them will be the real test.

I hope everyone is well. I will get to reading posts tomorrow after work, as it already is 11pm for me. Goodnight!

Categorized Health Status

2008-12-15T14:31:00.009-05:00

In 4 hours, you can get a lot of things done. Every thing's done, excluding the decision on my clothes for tomorrow. I wanted to get on the the subject of food and body obsession.

What's to blame for obesity? Lack of knowledge? Availability of cheap ingredients? Social Status? Genetics? Poor Food Choices?

Personally, I believe it's an incredible complex subject, that I would like to look into more. It's a mix of many things, definitely more than I listed. I've seen many posts written about this subject. The biggest thing that sticks out in my mind for obesity and any other body "illness"=MONEY PROFIT. I won't get started on insurance companies. There's no profit from you if you're healthy. It seems obesity is the easiest way to point the finger at what is to blame if you have an illness, or if you don't yet, you will.

If it sounds a bit like a conspiracy theory, than oh well. We overeat for whatever reason, feel guilt, ugly, unwanted. We diet, gain it back, diet, gain it back. A lifelong yo yo. We might take it too far and develope an ED.

We're so quick to make a buck, we'll do whatever to get it. Obesity fuels the diet industry. Yet, there are more obese people than ever (not to mention the huge rise in EDs of all ages). Diets fail, but most still buy into it, believing it's their fault for not living up to an image. I feel there are less and less people that are happy with their bodies as is, and more and more that are unhappy-either for being fat, too this or too that. Go spend money to fix it, even though it won't change how you feel. It's all mentality. My orthorexia eating disorder has a huge hatred for fake, process, cheap nasty packaged foods. I won't eat them. Diet sodas, low fat this, sugar free that. Processed "fake" food are like drugs to me (considering my past and current ED). I can't have it. If you buy these foods, you're buying into the agricultural bullshit. Vote with your dollar people.

It feels like we're put into these categories: Fat, or eating disordered. And we want your money for it.

I'll rant later. If you haven't read In Defense Of Food, by Michael Pollan I highly highly recommend it.

What is your take on obesity, and it being seen as so despicable and taboo? How does your eating disorder feel about the food industry? Does that ever come into your mind?

Decisions

2008-12-15T11:08:00.003-05:00

I made a list of things I'd like to complete today, typed it out so I am accountable to do them;)

Balance checkbook
Set Date to go renew license
Put reg. stickers on car
Clean/vacuum house
Clean Hammy's cage
Decide on outfit for tomorrow
Clean cat box
Laundry

These are in no particular order, and I might add more. My only problem when it comes to tasks, is just starting. Once I start I'm on fire and usually can't stop. I'm going to blame my lack of energy on the couch...

So I have a mini dilemma, and it's what to wear to my first day of work. I didn't realize what the dress code might be there. I'm certain that everyone wears the same shirt, but I have no idea about pants and shoes! If anyone out there has been in a US Cellular, or cellphone provider store, do you remember what they had on?! Haha, I could go into a US Cellular I'm not working at, walk in, check out their getup, and then leave. "How can I help you?" "Oh I just came in to see what you're wearing." THAT wouldn't look weird right?...

If I'm winging it I'll wear some form of tan slacks (I only have sneakers that will go with them! I'm not a heel person) or black dress pants (Which I only have black strap slip on small heels that match) It's freezing and snowy outside as well.

Or I just might walk in straight up in my jammies.

Just Kidding.

Small Hungover Update

2008-12-14T19:20:00.004-05:00

Man, I really can't handle the mornings that come after consuming more than 2 drinks. I feel groggy, nauseous and tired. Well I had more than a good few drinks last night at my sisters. It was an awesome time, karaoke, chinese auction (I got The Dark Knight!), and tons of people. So since this morning I've been feeling extreme queasy, have a headache, making myself eat food, and trying to relax. I rarely drink, so if I do I always feel like crap afterwords. I totally can't function the way I want to the day after I drink.

On another note, I'm excited for my new job. Very nervous as well, because there is a lot to learn. I need to be easy on myself and realize it takes time to learn things, and mistakes are okay because last I knew, I am human.

I'm feeling pretty sick to my stomach so I'm going to lay down.

In Sight, In Mind

2008-12-13T10:17:00.003-05:00

I always had a plan. A plan that if wrote in one of my journals the list of things I could do if I felt the need to b/p. Problem was, when that feeling came, my mind had no room to even remember that list. Once out of the hospital, I realized this. I needed something more reliable. So, as a in my face type of approach, I posted a sign on the fridge:

*STOP.THINK.CHOOSE*

-Get comfortable, read 30 mins

-Boil water, brew tea

-Cuddle with London (cat)

-Write/type out dialog going on in head

-Take hot bath with candles

-Call family member or friend

-New idea?*

*If I could think of something to do that was a positive stress reliever, that had specific directions, a process.

The other difference between this and my journal list, is it's more direct, giving me specific instructions. My journal list would go more like "read, drink tea, take bath." It wasn't very intriguing. With my sign its bold, outlined and red, and means business. It does make me stop and think about if I were to make that poor choice, how I would feel after, and then one of those things on my list starts to appeal to me. Also, it's on the fridge for all to see, so I'm more accountable of my actions. More reason not to hurt myself.

Nowadays, I don't really have to go to it. I'm naturally doing those things during the day-without a specific trigger, I'm doing them because I feel like it. It took a lot of work to get to this point. At the beginning it was b/p, or lay in bed and not get up.

Do you have any tools you use that you find helpful?

Mind & Body Conjoin

2008-12-12T17:29:00.008-05:00

Slow cooked Oatmeal

1 Banana

5 or so baby carrots (found mold on one, yeah I'm done now)

About 25 pistachios

4 prunes

That's all I ate today? I just thought about it because it's getting close to dinner time and I'm not hungry at all. So I thought about everything I ate today which apparently isn't much. I don't feel that this is bad though, because it was not on purpose what so ever.

I'm smack in the middle of my "ideal" weight for my frame and height. That's not an excuse. But I know at any weight Eds strike. It's self hatred. Just fix your body and you'll feel better. Oh, okay you got to your goal weight, but now it needs to be lower, you're not quite happy enough. Why can't you do anything right? No one likes me. Just one last binge, then I'm done. I'm okay, nothings wrong with me, don't worry. Nothing I do is ever enough. Tons o'lies.

Ed is a dangerous self trap that is a bitch to climb out of. I could let Ed own what I ate today. "That's great!" or "Tomorrow do it again!" or even "You should be eating less than that, you're FAT!"

But, ed isn't speaking. Nope. I'm bloated. My period is due. I have no hunger for anything, and THAT'S OKAY. My mind is at ease and all I can do is accept that. If I doubt my emotions, I will let Ed sneak in to persue to do harmful things. My body is not being denied anything. I will however, eat some tuna (with onions) in a salad with some fixings. Not hungry, but tuna sounds good now=) Oh and chocolate after...

Starbucks

2008-12-11T21:11:00.005-05:00

Bad ice storm outside. Started early today, and is supposed to last until tomorrow afternoon. Freezing Rain + Snow=not good travel conditions. Don't think it will turn into any kind of 'Ice Storm of 98'. I hope it's not too bad in the morning when I drive home, since I'm at the condo on the ocean versus my house north, in the foothills. I'm imagining we got foothills of freezing snow...

I want my Starbucks...kitty on the side please.

Through the Storm

2008-12-11T14:00:00.014-05:00

A few posts back, I commented on how much reading The Christmas Sweater touched me, and gave me quite a few answers I was seeking, or rather a peace of mind. That my life is worth living for.

"You're on the other side of the storm. This is what awaits you. Not after you die, but once you start to really live."

I feel I'm coming out of the storm, onto the other side. A storm I subconsciously built over time when my ED was full blown (when recovery was far from my mind). I wasn't actually 'in' the storm, the storm I created as my own hell. I had to go through what I created and come out the other side, stronger. That's going through the storm. Recovery. Facing life and living is scary at times, but living in constant anxiety over repetitive constant mind and body abuse, food and body obsession, gives you nothing but. Life offers more. Choices that make you grow, enjoy, and love even. The unknown is a blank page we create and sculpt with our best efforts. And in that recognize your effort, even if you mess up. Mistakes don't make you a bad person, they make you strong. Those mini storms of everyday life teach us something. I see my year and half with my ED as one long step into the storm-recovery. The sun shines better on the other side.

"What most people don't realize is that you don't have to fight the storm, you just have to stop feeding it-stop giving it power over you."

Now, recovery isn't easy, of course. It's unfamiliar, scary, hard to trust. In my case I tended to give any 'new' activity those same thoughts, and therefor it stopped me from growing, experiencing things. My days were on repeat. Predictable, and if not panic would arise. Surrounded by the same dread and agony everyday. I'd rather go through it occasionally, learn from it, and go on, stronger, than constantly sit in a mess I think is making me happy.

"Atonement, it's a chance to fix the unfixable and to start all over again. It begins when you forgive yourself for all you've done wrong and forgive others for all they've done to you. Your mistakes aren't mistakes anymore, they're just things that make you strong. Atonement is the great redeeming and equalizing force that leads to the fulfillment of all things. Everyone you've loved and lost. Atonement, is heaven on earth."

Hard work does pay off. It may feel hard constantly, but eventually it becomes more natural. We all have the ability, all it takes is that first step. Take your power back.I'm finding new power everyday.